Its not even 10AM, and im grouchy.

1. Sick in bed. (ok, fine- and i COULD be up, but this is a decision to get better ASAP)
2. Rainy (all the more reason to be sick in bed)
3. The boy hasnt offered any support regarding my illness (and after 4 months of dating, you sure as fuck better acknowledge an email that states im having trouble breathing --- not going out on a friday night)
4. Klatcher is on the fritz and I cant do a damn thing that Jojo asked me to do today. Was hoping at least to get things done from the pillow.

Grrr. in half an hour Im gonna rouse my sorry ass up, put on a bra and some pants, grab the umbrella and saunter on over the drugstore to find something that helps kill the cough (and sending me into a floaty sleepy space would also be a nice benefit - Pair Coal, where are you?)

I seem to have 2 journals going on now. or 4 depending on if you count klatcher ideas and twitter/ twitpic. mighty confusing. will proly end up double posting on here whats on klatcher.com in my "blog". i really don't like saying BLOG. it sounds like something i coughed up, or that sea urchin everyone thinks is so good around here.

here, have some blog--its quite delicious. no..really, it is!

Yuta and I got together tonight for dinner after work. He was fretting over his FOREX accounts. haha

I told him about my uncertainties. And he told me something...

After our last dinner party (last month), we went to a Shimokitazawa bar. The guy im dating told Yuta that if I werent at the bar that night that he's be looking for a nice girl to pick up.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yuta says that this is good...that my guy likes me. I gaped at Yuta. WHAT!? Number ! - WHY would he say this to a good friend of mine - doesnt he know people talk? And --It means that im just the entertainment for the day and any old woman will do! That means that anytime he says hes going clubbing, he's looking for a break. (He just went to Kyoto 2 weeks ago to go clubbing :( ) My heart shattered on the floor. Not what i need right now. not at all.

I dont know what to do with this information. I dont wanna throw this guys face, like a soap opera, but all this uncertainty and distrust ive been feeling...was it coming from me or some sixth sense?

well, this comment was made between guys, when my guy was drunk -- so maybe he was trying to seem cool? and this was before Golden week when he took me on a roadtrip with his really good friends and spent most of the time with me....watching Dexter and cooking. And him getting more affectionate and relaxed.

But, its a wall again. Distrust has been replaced. We're supposed to see a movie this weekend..since it didnt work out last weekend. I just dont know. No trust. No openness. No love. the end.

Love is the Rose.
Love is "watching someone die"
Love is chocolate.
Love is a pain in the ass.

But, I just don't know what it means anymore. I'm not, at this point, writing from a jaded or cynical aspect. I mean...I just don't know. When I was 19 and met Myk Porter, I thought that was love. That kind of love at first sight - bam hit the floor and don't ask any more questions. Like that. Walking into a brick wall and enjoying the best concussion ever. Floating up and spending my time in a cloud of certainty. But I fucked it up. Immaturity. 19, like I said. I spent a good chunk of time searching for that same feeling...but i gave up.

Seven years later, I thought love was semi-romance with good intentions. Stability and a welcoming family. Planning for the future with white picket fences, perhaps New Haven, and jokes about how we knew better than the rest of the world. He'd do anything for me. But I had to leave. I wasn't ready for settling down. And my not so private life freaked him out.

Right before Japan, I thought maybe I was in love, but...was I? How could I leave if that were so? Someone who accepted me with all my faults and mental conditions. My imperfections. My damn public life....And still does, tho I dont deserve it at all. Someone who I think about every day and compare everyone to.

My point from all this unclarity is that i JUST DONT KNOW. Over the past couple of weeks, ive been mulling over things and have come to the decision that I dont want to spend the rest of the very best years of my life alone. But Im screwed. Because I have no idea who is right for me, and who im right for. I only know when im unhappy. And that happens when: well im mostly always unhappy these days in the love department. I dont trust anyone. I lie and tell whomever Im dating that everything is ok when it's not. But I have to say so because I dont know exactly what's wrong usually. I cant explain it to myself much less them. I want so desperately to be close to someone, but I ..like I said, I just dont trust anyone here. Not the j-boys. and certainly not the foreigners. and not myself. i am the least trustworthy of all. But if something feels right, it ends itself and if something is wrong, I keep it up and going for the damn sake that I want some company even if its totally not working. I dont know how to break the cycle.

But Im back to my main problem of. -- what's love and how do i feel it again? And here is where I get cynical. I've been subjected to 2 romance movies in the past week and between my snorts of disbelief is the deep sadness that life just isnt that way. I dont see how people can keep watching these things and think its sweet. Have I lost the faith that others still seem to have? Do people really go on believing that there is someone out there for them? Should I? Or is my story like the man trapped on his roof asking God for help. And God sends many modes of transportation. And the man finally drowns because while all the time God was answering his prayers, he was expecting something else. So...I worry, Im expecting something else while I pass by what would have been a good future. Because I wasnt ready at the time - or because Im worried that Im just settling - because Im waiting for that "whatever" love is supposed to be that I dont know.

Im 30. I dont feel any biological clock ticking. But, I know I want someone to come home to at night. But I dont know how to get to that place. I can meet people fine, sleep with people fine, but it just breaks down after that. Lack of ..something .

Ive barely eaten all day. 2 things happened last night, 1 a little too personal and randomly hurtful to write here (wow, really!) but the other a talk about leaving ones fiance due to lack of confidence. (not me, BTW)
... and proly due to monthly hormones and the state of my life right now, it had much more meaning for me than it should...so ive been spinning down down down into thoughts accompanied by Yo La Tengo and Goldfrapp that I hope end after I get all this out and some sleep and a good ass kicking in the running shoes tomorrow.

i dont think i can ignore this. perhaps this is the crossroads i needed to come to. and why i needed to come to Tokyo. I know what it means to be alone here. now, finally. and I actually have some confidence to say that I dont want always wanna be like this. alone, i mean. Tokyo two thumbs up. i just wish i do something about it.

yes, frantic. that's the best way to describe this weekend. I tried to see everyone at once, and ended up seeing very few people at all. At the same time, I've hardly been home at all this weekend and I'm just as tired now, on Sunday night, as I was at the end of Friday. Friday, March 20th is a national holiday here in Japan, so I'm looking forward to a 3 day weekend. I've learned my lesson for sure. No matter how much I want and need to see my friends, I need time to myself. Yes, time to webcast and work on nekomimilisa.com..but also time just to relax.

It was noted that I took a 2-3 hour nap on Saturday. Indeed, I was (am am even slightly) still sick. Two weeks of this damn cold! And although I had plans to swim and grocery shop and cook,the only energy I could muster at 1pm was to go through my school materials. This turned out to be a terrible mistake because I spent my nap time tossing turning and having strange dreams about being unprepared and missing materials. Not restful.

I went out for dinner on Saturday at We in Ebisu. (Restaurant review to soon be posted at nl.com) It was pretty damn yum..at least the part I could taste at all. But 3 friends cancelled/ didnt reply after they said they would attend. So this shit also got in the way of my nap since, at the last minute, reservations had to be canceled and and and....I dont know why I bother to try and organize dinners or parties. It's not in my karma for them to work out. I should just be an attendee and forget it. In any case, reservations were all screwed up. then I was running late because of all the text messaging...and THEN I managed to get on the wrong train --something i never ever do! - and was 45 minutes late myself. You might imagine my mood was not good. The restaurant was nice and I finally relaxed.

Today I saw 007, but I never got to return home before to recover, so now - finally- im at home and racing around to do all the chores and leftover homework and site updates.

And tomorrow comes early and I have a lot of prep to handle before and after school.
The only good thing is that klatcher is slow as usual so while it's uploaded some pictures, I can type this and get my things together. Multitasking is taking away some of the uselessness I feel.

and the frantic. Because I feel like something has been accomplished. Arg.

Oh and I decided that I really like hanging out with Atsushi. I've been dating a few people, but he's the only one who's held my interest. What happened to Johnny? Im asking the same thing. Too busy to see me. Thats what happens when you cook shrimp linguine for a guy on Valentines day in Japan, I suppose. They keep sending you sweet messages about how much they miss you but how terribly busy they are. Lame. Finished. Anyways, Im reading this entry and can pretty much assume the truth - im scattered like the salt i dumped on the floor earlier while trying to navigate it from the bag to the shaker.

yes, i know i know! it's been quite a while. But I think you are aware of the circumstances...

Anyway, I survived the first week at the new job. What is the new job? Without too much detail, I work with 1.5-6 year-olds for 7 hours a day in an English immersive learning environment. There are songs to sing, chants to chant, and dances to dance. We make snacks and art and crafts.

The first week was shadow week. Not too much stress. But today, I have to come up with a couple of lesson plans to implement and at 10am on Monday, I'm front and center talking about houses with a puzzle of how the outside of a house should look. I'm a little nervous, but not because of the kids. I'll have 5 teachers and my manager watching me - yes supportively - but well, I'm new and I just wanna make a good impression. I know in a couple of weeks, I'll be so used to the rhythm and rhyme (quite literally!) and all will be well, but tomorrow...tomorrow is stress day!

So along with cleaning the bathroom and figuring out where to hang my clothing inside the apartment (too broke at the moment to buy a hanging pole thing for outside) I'll be reviewing my notes slightly religiously.

Speaking of being broke, I'm happy to announce that most of the hard money times should be over as of 3/12. I've bought all the major appliances and furniture. I plan to be thrifty the next couple of months due to a slight pay reduction for job training and days missed at the previous company during the transition. But I won't be BROKE. As in:

It's 7:15pm. I'm exhausted from work. There's a cake shop outside the SEIYU near the station and I'd love to treat myself to a 180 yen cupcake. but, I CAN'T afford it because i need the 180yen to get to work. I come home to yet another meal of curry or udon because its the cheapest thing I can make with any nutritional value at all....even tho I'm dying for a 498 yen bento box with rice and fish and tempura. UGH!

I thought I'd left these times in my early 20's. But, I suppose with job turmoil comes hardship again. I know I'm not the only one, and I know I'm lucky that it's only been a couple of months of this and not 6 months or a year like some of my fellow citizens back home. Yes, I'm lucky. I found a job to renew my visa, that pays me more than before, that's more rewarding than before, with as many vacation days as before, and with no specific days to dread more than any other. Woo! I have a new apartment that's very small but fine and comfy for me with a nice thick green carpet, new and working appliances, (mostly) quiet neighbors, in a convenient location. So, these next few days of BROKE. Well, i REALLY can't complain because everything is coming together on the survival front. So I can start to worry about lighter things again like...swimming, boys, bands, beer, exploring Tokyo and LIFE! Project: LIFE!

In Chinese medicine, wind is related to the Wood element. Wood is wind. Wood is Spring, new growth, and green. Wood is change. So, as the wind whips my sheets around the drying rod outside, I can't help but feel symbolic today. By the end of the month, most everything in my life will have changed except for the living in Tokyo part. My things are 80 percent packed up and the plan is to move some on Thursday, when I have to go to the new apartment anyway to meet the gas company, and rest of Sunday, thanks to Joyo and his car.

As for the rest of it, I hope the job situation is ironed out soon. Random parts of my face have stopped twitching, so I must be less stressed out...but I'll be an extremely happy camper when I'm settled again and working on NL.com like I want to. I've always been one for change, especially in the springtime, but only when those changes are enacted by me. I need control over the wind.

After all has been said and done, I have about 6,000 yen left in my bank account until February 13. Arg. I have 3000 yen in my wallet. I'm going to go grocery shopping this morning:

Ramen
Spaghetti
Spag sauce
Bread
Eggs
Milk
Rice

That's the diet plan and should all come in under 1500 for the next 2 weeks. Fruit and veggies are too expensive. I have some vitamin pills for the vit C. The rest of the yen will be spent on transportation and hopefully I will have enough to actually GET to work. I have about 3000 yen on my Suica card, so it MIGHT just be enough. I want to go swimming today, but thats 900 yen right there...so, ARG again. ARG! I'm prolly gonna have to borrow 5,000 yen from my roommates or something to make it through. On the 13th, im golden with another paycheck and with all the large purchases for my apartment completed...and a 60,000 deposit coming back to me before the end of Feb...well, yeah, ill be fine. It's just these next 13 days... Sweet memories of the early months in NYC. haha.

Hi! As most of you know, im moving....and since I own nothing, I have to buy everything. Im doing my best on my own..but should you happen to find anything interesting at the shop (www.cafepress.com/nekomimi_lisa) ,now is a good as time as any to partake!

I also have a paypal address: nekomimi_lisa@yahoo.com

Here's my list (in US dollars)(and OF COURSE, ill be checking into sayonara sales of people leaving to try and get things cheaper...)

Housewarming List 2035

Bedroom 570
Futon 400
Futon Base 100
Quilt 70
Small Table

Kitchen 1130
Fridge 300
Microwave 150
Rice Cooker 150
Pot 15
Small Skillet 15
Kettle 10
Stove 400
Utensils 30
Cutting Board 10
Dishes 20
Trashbin 30

Living area 305
Desk 100
Small Table 80
Lamp 70
Lightbulbs 15
Powerstrip 10
Fixture 30

Cleaning/ First Setup 30

Go directly to my book! http://www.blurb.com/user/store/NekomimiLisa

Or check out my page and click on the orange NekomimiLisa bookstore link on the right!

Three things to avoid on long flights from Germany to Japan:

1. Stomach flu (aka, stabbing gut pains, frequent bathroom trips, nausea, and all the other unmentionables associated with it)

2. Screaming babies taking turns in almost perfect alternation to allow not one minute of blessed silence.

3. Spilling a cup of steaming hot tea on your crotch that brings back memories of wetting your pants to only have it later turn into freezing cold sogginess for 3 hours of flight time

I've given it a lot of thought. And the one thing I really really NEED to resolve to do on a regular basis is....well, 2 things.

1. Study Japanese: it's on and off depending on how much I go out or how busy I am updating NL.com or working on all these photos ive taken lately. But I NEED to study at least 1 hour every day. That's some easy train time right there instead of ipodding and zoning off. Im always reminded about how much I keep forgetting every time I really get into a situation where i HAVE TO speak Japanese. Arg. STUDY.

2. I need to relax about "hours in the day" . I still have a little bit too much work-a-holic in me. Trying to do too many little NL.com projects while not really accomplishing anything due to slow as hell multitasking. I need 1 goal a day for NL.com. and then I need to swim or run or whatever at least 3 times a week. I feel guilty if i miss a day, but I know that 3 days a week is really fine with all the things im trying to accomplish (NL.com updates, broadcasting fieldtrips, relaxing, going out, whatever...) Yeah. Life is possible and I get more done by doing less if I really break it down.

So, these are my resolutions for the next year. Let's hope I can stick to them! Im sure a little viewer nudging might help too!

This made me SOSOSOSO happy! Thank you Kevin!

"
Lisa,

I checked out Justin TV for the first time today. It seems I am part of a wave of newbies who heard about the site through the tragedy earlier this week. Yours was one of the first places I stopped in and you were hacking away eating chocolate mousse. Being a father I worked to get JoJo to get you to go to bed. Apologies for the paternalism. It is now second nature.

I thought I would check in again after we got back from Thanksgiving dinner at my sisters. I found you on the way to Osaki. My boys (ages 4 and 6) were ready for bed but I called them to the computer and told them we were looking at a street in Japan. They immediately noted the angle was odd. After getting use to the idea that we were seeing live shots of streets in Japan from a purse cam they began to marvel at what they were seeing. "The trucks are different there." is one example. "Is this happening now Papa" was another. Pretty much the kind of things adults were saying in the chat box now that I think about it.

I've read your About section and although I don't completely get why you stream your whole life I think it is great and one more tool for educating my kids about the world. I'll let them learn about clubbing and staying up way too late in 15 years.

Well now I'm the one hacking my lungs out and up too late.

Take care and see you on-line,

Kevin
"

I'm going to tell you.
because somehow, at this moment, i think it's very important.

Someone asked me a few weeks ago...rather randomly..."what was the happiest time in your life?" the question came from a Japanese girl during a group get-together at an izakaya. everyone was speaking in Japanese. I was drinking my beer, listening for any words that I could pick out - and suddenly, all eyes turned on me. "What was the happiest time in your life?"

I thought for a moment. and a moment more. "Machimasu."
the conversation continued until I had it clenched in my head in absolutely confident grip. Yes, indeed, I had an answer.

"Ok," I said, "wait up -- Yoko asked me a question..." Perhaps if you are blond and American, you can interrupt the group. Maybe not...but as I had been doing it in my own culture for years, I didn't bother to concern myself with manners. Important questions needed to be answered.

Quiet. The table's attention was mine. I explained to Yoko in simple English (not simplified here):

The most happy time in my life were the days before I knew Santa Claus was a fake. I remember being 6 or 7 and going to bed so early on Christmas Eve that there was no way 8 hours of sleep could carry me past 4am. Mom and I had made Christmas cookies for the big guy. They were set out in the open so he could find them. We'd made them from scratch and painted them with colors created from canned milk mixed and food coloring. As excited as I was for Christmas morning, I always managed to fall asleep. (And soundly enough to miss all the reindeer hoof clatter that Mom claimed to heard during the night!)

But at some wee hour, when it was still dark, I'd wake up, turn over...and my heart would THUMP. It was Christmas! I would wonder if Santa was still in the living room. (He never was!) I'd tiptoe as best I could on squeaky boards to where the tree stood twinkling with mismatched rainbow Christmas lights. It was magic. that moment...right there- early Christmas morning from consciousness until the lie was revealed. That moment- full of magical lights, glistening tinsel and ornaments. Presents from Santa, parents, and elves. The smell of wrapping paper and bows and tape -if you can believe it - the smell of Christmas. and always perfectly quiet. Some years there was snow outside the window. Other years not. But not a sound at whatever early hour it was. I never stopped to wonder if my parents were awake and listening. It never mattered. It never crossed my mind. Because in that moment, I was so so so happy. Because magic existed. Because lights tinkled. Because anything was possible and there was not an ounce of sadness, regret, questioning, or doubt in my heart. That, my friend, was the happiest time in my life.

This question has become a recurring theme as of late. People keep asking me. And I keep asking other people. In fact, I was asked straight up again in my lesson today. and every time I tell the story, I go back to that moment.

And I wonder if somehow I'm looking for that again, of if I just needed to remember why I was so happy and not forget the reasons. After all, at 30, it's not possible to believe in magic and live without negative feelings. It's hardly possible to be ignorant enough to be truly happy in that same way. Or is it? I don't know. The heart of a child is near impossible to duplicate. But the memory is real and it makes me smile.

for an awesome day.
im out of adjectives already.
On with being 30, yo.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20081123/ap_on_re_us/webcam_suicide

tighter control on websites?
oh please... websites and others don't make people kill themselves. Sick people kill themselves and Dad is more to blame that any viewer possibly could be. He admits that he didn't know his son even had an online persona. Oi!

is the best damn cough medicine EVER. I've coughed only 2 times in 1 hour since i gulped the stuff down. Holy cow Jesus almighty. I needed this stuff last year when I was at home for a week with bronchial issues!! Dunno what's in it, since the only English on it is "Pair Coal"..but I hope that with the cough suppressed that the irritation will stop, and thus my embarrassing coughing fits on the train and in lessons will subside. I still only have about a 50% voice, but it's cool. I just don't want to cough like a the zombie dead all over my students. Usually Thursdays are pretty mellow. And I get unlimited tea. I'm counting on it. And I'm not going out tonight. Coming straight home, eating dinner, and going to bed. Yes. Boring but necessary!!

wow, its true...it's the very end of November. I saw the snow comments from my NY friends on Facebook and I just can't believe it. !! It's slightly chilly here, but I can still get away with just sneakers, jeans, a 3/4 length button down "dress" shirt with a short sleeved thin knit sweater over the top. I need a jacket for after work when the sun is down. But..what a HUGE weather difference! I'm loving it. :) Tokyo gets some snow too, but not until January, I hear...temps don't dip too much below 30F in the dead of winter, so I just can't complain at all. I figured out my heater too, so no more bundling up in the drafty room. Utilities are included in my rent, currently, so I just don't care about running things. But it does make it dry in here, and that doesn't aid my current battle against laryngitis. Arg. It's day 3 and still no voice. Teaching is so difficult. Lucky that I have Friday, Sunday AND Monday off this week, thanks to some holiday time. There's a huge B-day party on Saturday night. And I'm going, but I'm gonna take it easy. One drink to appease the masses..and then im going to cheat and get a juice or diet coke and lie and tell people it's alcoholic. Maybe I should just do that from the beginning! :) lol. And Im taking the last train. I just don't want anything to do with an all-nighter this weekend. I need to rest. and if the weather is sunny, I want to explore a few places around tokyo that seem to have decently priced apartments...i need to check them out to be sure there are things to do there on days i might not want to commute, a supermarket, coffee shops, these sorts of things. i've paid up through my contracted 6 months (July -December) so I'm free to move at any time as long as I give 45 days notice. I dont have enough money to move yet anyway, but it's a perfect time to do research before I have that yen burning a hole in my pocket, pushing me to just move ASAP. you know?

This will be my first real weekend without Yuu. and IM SO HAPPY! I made a pact with the viewers after the Roppongi incident #2 that I wouldn't go into graphic details anymore...so I'm not. there was never any more physical violence, but there was so much jealousy from him and forced arguing initiated by him that I just couldn't stand even looking at his face. I just had it with crying my eyes out every weekend in an attempt to persuade him that I wasn't dating anyone else. Tired of trying to explain messages on my cell phone from my guy friends - totally innocent "let's hang out soon" messages. And feeling shamed and pissed off when he told me that his friends FELT SORRY for him having to PUT UP WITH ME. Fuck you asshole!! I told him to stop talking to me and after a day of emails and WHY..and IM NOT GOING TO LEAVE YOU..and WE ARE MEANT FOR EACH OTHER...it stopped. And I walked home from the train station eying every guy, scared it would be him waiting for me, or something. Paranoia. And now I'm sick from the stress...

But on the mend. Which brings be back to the whole wonderful THIS weekend..a birthday party I don't have to feel guilty attending and 2 whole days afterward to do whatever the FUCK I want to without having to see anyone...or seeing whomever I chose (included guys who were always JUST FRIENDS) that caused many a draining evening.

And on THAT note, I have a friend from Cali in town. He's Japanese, but living in LA. I completely forgot how we met, to be honest. Musta been online someone, but it wasnt related to NL.com. It's been almost a year of skyping, but we're finally gonna meet up. He's here visiting his grandpa in Osaka, but dropping into Tokyo this weekend to visit old friends and ME. yay! I invited him to the b-day party, in case he felt like going and meeting more crazy gaijin :)

But yes, ive vacuumed, cleaned all the dishes, done all the laundry. erased all text messages and emails from Yuu. I tried to remove every scrap and particle from it's existence. And today, it was so sunny, and even tho I have no voice at all, I took a walk to the bank and paid my rent and health insurance dues. I went to the city office and found out where I can get my re-entry permit for immigration when I return from overseas Christmas celebrations. :) I feel free and just about happy again! :)

Oh, and thanks JOJO. :)

from a facebook email i just got: "Lisa Batey Sex Tape"

Lets do it! Fame is fleeting - I'll make u a BUNDLE!

b'sides - it actually HELPS careers nowadays!

lets chat bout it - my friends include the guy who published the Paris Hiton tape! I'll make u out to victim of a handsome horny drifter - who convices you to partake in a lusty 3some!

then we will spin it on XESENTA.COM!

yaaaayy!

xx

(no thanks)