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the last day of freedom

oh how i dread tomorrow. me: crucified on a cross of responsibility! restless, chilly, and unsatisfied in my chair. unsatisfied for the moment, mind you, since my mind will be full of the rich weekend. it is still not yet over. i relax in Astoria for the afternoon, the sunlight pouring over me like honey and a light afternoon breeze soothing, like ice cream. it is truly a dessert afternoon. just me, my good friends, and yet another Anais nin book almost at completion. i have to admit, i am addicted to her. her fiction is slightly dissapointing, but i was prepared for that after reading a preface by her in which she compared erotic writing to prostitution. I am reading "Little Birds" And after that I will start "Delta of Venus". I watched the movie on IFC a few weekends back and it struck me like an angry lover even though I had not a clue who came up with the original story.

Tim sings from the basement. They have broken a mirror and are using the pieces to create a lite design on the wall of the bathroom. i will go join them after i have finished writing. For some reason I have done more livejournal and personal writing over the past week than camera work. i think it is a stage and i can only hope that my readers/ viewers are not dissapointed in my lack of pictures. i do have many stills of the weekend plus many from days passed. i will post these this week, as it is much easier to post pictures than it is video.
i have discovered that i live my life in stages. i always think i have made a permanent change in my temperment, or habits, but i soon find i am onto something else. perhaps changes stay, but i do not focus on them. in any case, this constant state of flux is exciting. i talk with older people and they look at me fondly, as if they were the same way "when they were younger". i am scared that someday the stages will stop and i will be left constant, patternized. this fear grips me and i realize that i soon will be 23. soon after i will be 30 and then 40. i pray that i will not grow too wise. i like learning and growing and shrinking and finding new ways to live, new people to kiss, new friends to love. i ohpe i will never be satisfied with a cabin in the woods with my dog and the trees.

meanwhile, in the present day the sunlight still shines and the afternoon breeze still caresses my skin. i am to meet Domenic later for a vegan BBQ. i must admit, my overwhelming desire for him clouds any sort of good judgement, and i will find myself at the BBQ, not knowing anyone but him. i hope that by 7:00pm, i am still in social enough a mood to enjoy mingling with new people. sometimes i am not. sometimes i want to run away suddenly, and walk by myself. i suppose after a few drinks i will feel better about things. i am happy he called to invite me. i cannot wait to see him.

Comments

( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
r_lu
Sep. 3rd, 2001 02:21 pm (UTC)
Can't wait!
I can't wait to hear how the BBQ went! Glad you got a reprieve from the apt. of horrors!
(Anonymous)
Sep. 3rd, 2001 04:31 pm (UTC)
i demand there is less talk of 30 coming after 23 i hated turning 23 and saying 30 is next is scary
it just means ive wasted more time not doin the stuff iwanted to but was just to lazy to get up formthe pc or television to do. damn.. i think i may have hit on my problem..
btw vegan BBQ? its just eating salad outside right!!?

fmb
lisagoddess
Sep. 4th, 2001 05:53 am (UTC)
i did not make it to the BBq, as I found that my time with my friend in astoria was more valuble than wasting time on a train to get to BRroklyn. of course, you can see by reading my lastest post what happened to his promise to call me at 9pm (he swore he would not be at the BBQ long! and he would call me!)
This was my weekend. I planned on one thing and ended up doing something else entirely. I am not unsatisfied, but I sure do wish he would have called. He tortures me!
r_lu
Sep. 4th, 2001 07:07 am (UTC)
Forgetta about!
Blow this loser off! How rude! Take on the old adage, 'Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me!' Places and things change, but people don't.
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )

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