I didnt get out of work until 6:30pm. I was tired and grouchy from my 1.5 hours of overtime. I told Tim I'd call him when I got off of work to see about meeting up for a bit to hang out. It had been a whole 2 weeks since we'd seen each other. Too many days for best friends. By 6:30pm, I was feeling guilty about any thought of going out, though. I wanted to be home playing with my camera and working out some issues. But, when I sat and thought for more than 30 seconds, I realize I couldnt rememebr the last time I'd been out for a drink with anyone but some date. Ack! I made the decision to roll in late. Tim and I met halfway along 53rd st. Well, I guess closer to his 9th Ave starting point. In any event, we walked back to 9th avenue, goofing the whole way. We found this little Irish bar and sat for a pint. Soccer and hockey played on the TV monitors. Noone in there could have been under 55. Im talking OLD man bar. At one point, some overly made-up woman in a tight, short black dress was sitting behind us with a guy in a suit. It was straight out of some 80's movie. Thats what they looked like. After half my pint, i was already toasty. Tim laughed at me. I really havent drunk much since the black-out Christmas party. We talked about everything, and relationships, and our current flings, and what we needed of them. The common conclusions was that it was really hard to have really meaninful times with this whole "dating" setup. He confided that he'd need to be friends for someone for a REALLY long time in order for that to happen. This lead to my psychoanalysis by Tim: am I still running away from Myk...a list of all the people I've slept with in the past 6 months. Tearing up this list. Making his list.
We decided we needed to move on after everyone had pretty much departed the scene. A sushi joint down the street seemed inviting with hot Udon soup. I ordered Tuna. I Was drunk. I took one bite and remembered why I hated raw fish. Hey, you gotta keep trying these things. But the slime and nasty flavor overcame the intoxication. We split a Sapporro. He reminded me I needed to finish his website. My soul hid under the table. I feel so bad that I havent done it, after all these weeks!! I decided to call up Renzo, since we were in his neighborhood. Renzo said he was about to go out anyways, and told us he'd meet us. We put on our coats and decided to wait outside, since the waiter was giving up "geet the hell outta here" eyes. Renzo met us just as we were leaving. We all decided to have another drink at a place called "Vintage" and invited Tim's roomate, Matt along. Whats there to say about that? Nothing really. We sat around and debated whether palmistry or astrology was a better telling tool about a person. College. college stories. germany stories. french fries. I had 2 glasses of pinot grigio. It was after midnight. I asked Renzo if I could stay at his place, since it was a few blocks away, as opposed to an hour train ride away. Of course it was no problem. We were both tired and changed into jammies and curled up without any lustful action. I closed my eyes and relaxed, and then the HAD to ask. "Do you want more?"
Out of nowhere. I was really upset that out of nowhere...out of the blue and red, I had to answer this question. I had to analyze if i was supposed to say yes or no or maybe...or something witty. I had to decide if he was trying to push me away, warn me, or draw me closer. Now, this is not the thing to had to do when you've had a few drinks and were just dozing off in a nice warm room with a nice warm boy.
Yes, I was pissed. With these 4 words, I knew that a wall was built within me. A line was drawn. I answered him. "I dont expect anything. I just go with the flow, and have a good time. Whatever happens will be."
I was defensive. I assumed that he was making sure I wasnt getting too close. He confirmed my suspicioins "I dont want to let you down." I was let down. Right there. I sunk into the bed. All the way through to the floor. It was not as if I was expecting to get married and have his kids. I didnt even really suppose that I would be able to see him exclusively to any amount of time (im certainly in no frame of mind to "settle down" in any sense.) But, I felt like he was preparing to let me down because he assumed I was a 23 year old girl with some sort of naive plan for how these things should work. I told him I was an old 23. He said something about me being old and jaded. I agreed. But as soon as I did, I wished I hadnt. Because im not. Im past being jaded. I'm just floating. Waiting for people in general to really surprise me. How can I be jaded when I dont expect bad or good....I just hope for the best. What is the best? A night of laughter. Generosity. Surprises. Compassion. Great sex. Understanding. Respect. Uncomplicated. Man/ Woman: It matters not. I feel like I have all these things with Renzo. Do I want more out of HIM? Not really. I have all these things from him. I'm happy. But how do I explain this? How do you tell someone all this at 1am, when the question is posed with so much foreshadowing? No, I should have said. No, I do not need more from you. But, even that would have come out wrong.