Nekomimi Lisa (lisagoddess) wrote,
Nekomimi Lisa
lisagoddess

such a mix of emotions...

I have today's confession rendering as i type this!
yay!

I like this new boy, Brewster. Yes yes, indeed. Went to his show last night with Tim. Brewster (not only his name, but the name of his band) was 3rd in a line-up of 4. They are very good, although Tim's and my main comment was "choose a track"
they have funk songs, slightly country songs, soulful songs, morphine covers, beatles. all good, but you know how the music industry is: they like to put you in a genre. so, of course, to really go anywhere, thats what they need to do. but in terms of the show itself, im really happy I went. Good Stuff from all lanes :)

I ended up having a few beers, since Tim is paying for my alcohol habit, in return for working on his website. Brewster made the rounds about the room to our table, people standing around the bar, and his family (sis, and her husband, and his father). I thought it was awesome that his family drove up from south jersey to see him. his dad was video taping proudly.

I took a cab back to Brewsters place after saying goodnight to Tim. I laughed at myself carrying his guitar up the stairs. "The guitarist's girl" haha.
I put the cliche groupie thought out of my mind, lest i puke. His living room is ornamented with antique french furniture, all found at thrift stores and rummaging around on Coney Island. A spiral staircase leads up to his floor, which is shared by another guy who's in Costa Rica for the month. Memorabilia of life covers every nook and cranny: drum heads, old stage props, socks, pictures of family and friends, Playboy mags, Maxim mags, candles, knickknacks. All strewn about in a very boy way, but somehow clean, a clean even our apartment can't touch with the three cats and current state of dispair.
We talked for 2 hours. about this and that, his ex wife, his music, my cameras, life...everything.
The video confession fills the next part in..
but i ended up staying the night, and really being quite well-behaved.
I called in sick to work: not because I couldnt make it, really, but because I needed the moment this morning. A small vacation in Brooklyn, the company of a nice guy.
At noon, we lazed around on the bed. He'd taken a shower, but I felt all all gross. We didnt care. Talked. about what? I dunno, but it wasnt hard. We made coffee and chatted with his roommate for a while before heading out for a nice walk up Court St. to a little Indian restaurant. Mmmm, aloo nan. I love it. Talked. Joked. Felt completely open. Didnt think twice about it.
He walked me to the train station.
"I liked how you kissed me last night" he said. I smiled. I'd worked up very slowly to kissing him last night. we were cuddling, and i think it must have taken me a good 20 minutes to move my head from the curve of his neck to his lips. Slowly I approached him, even holding stready, millimeters's from his lips...breathing in the same air. and when i did kiss him, it was so light, i was wondering if he would feel it. Intense.

I like this boy. I am afraid.

I returned home to find what i had left last night: undone dishes, and a putrid smell, and a cold dark bedroom with a sad, unfinished bed.
Depression.
Took a shower and sat down on the couch with a cup of diet cherry coke and the stack of bills. I paid my bills off first. I still need to check online about some credit card due dates, and see if I can pay my hosting bill online.
I looked at the gas and electric bill. Looks like each is just under 300$/ month. We own 300$ to the electric company by march 4th. i feel stressed in my stomach and chest. all my savings from pier 1 are going toward surprise bills. sadness.

i might have to get another job again.
or just get my site working with subscriptions ASAP, before I was quite ready to do so.
or both

as you can tell, my mind is in a fog. im a little disoriented and I can only hope that with a night of sleep (where? stacy will be back in her bed and skutch will attack me on the bed in the main room...guess ill be napping on the folded futon matress thats crammed between the bottom of my stairs and the legs of my computer desk.)and a normal mornign schedule and a day of work, i can shake this sense of chaos and life spiraling out of my control.

i do have a Brewster to think about out. Again, im scared for myself. its been a while since i thought i might want to date someone exclusively. i have been mentally checking that im not looking for Myk in him. (espcially after my breakdown the other day) I am not, but the over-niceness that he exudes is one of the character qualities which is so definately necessary. oh and those slighly muscular drum playing arms. so good for holding lisas.
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