What do I want?
I have been thinking about it all day while surfing around on the web, filming a confession, washing a few dishes, sweeping the floors, playing Jak and Daxter. Listening to Smashing Pumpkins right now. Noone likes them, but they are always so fitting, word for word. I know what I want. I think. It's tainted by what the world thinks i want, and my equal and opposite counter reaction, and then a dash of protection, and a smidge of reality.
I'm so very tired of the "you, girl, are getting too attached, so you need to pull away cause I need you to" Quite frankly, I NEED someone to be closer. It's so odd how yur supposed to be close to this boyfriend or girlfriend figure, and you push each other farther apart than friends for the sake of space. I would call Tim or Wil at 4am, but I would never call Brewster. Id be worried Id piss him off. Thats not right. Im not clingy. I just intensely appreciate someone when I have them around. god forbid I should show emotion. Fuck that. Why should I always have to pull back? sometimes, it doesnt matter. i guess usually not, since im not REALLY struck by someones charms every other day. ok...so i am..,but YOU KNOW when its someone actually worth spending time with...when there's something worth sticking around for. the more I talk though I wonder why I am sticking around...its just painful. I want to see him for a while. I havent been looking at anyone else. But now, tonight, I feel so lonely here all by myself in a big loft. My plans fell through. I would like nothing more than to call him up and talk, but i cant (cause we're creating space and all) ...and i want someone that i can do that with. im bored with noone around. I want someone who will come snuggle with me for a few hours, for an hour. A place to run off to on a lazy Sunday evening. I know people get busy. I know it. I do too. I just want to know that if both of us were free that I could do that. So, Im looking around on the damn personal ads again. Not cause I really want to answer any of them, but I want to know they are there...and I guess there were a couple I wanted to answer, but then I'd feel guilty, cause I really do want to see Brewster..and the people would write back and it would all get to be a mess cause i dont want them. ok, so i surfed through nerve for a good 2 hours, chatted, but left without writing down a single email address.
i feel trapped. in limbo. waiting for someone else to make a decision. everything can be "light and fruity" as he puts it. No problem. Can it? What is that definition? Once a week hanging. OK, fine. But, maybe I need something more right now, as much as i deny it. I want it from him, but I cannot have it. So, should I find someone else to? Then I will lose him all together (as much as he says we should be able to see other people...i know it wouldnt work.)
sigh. i dont have the answers. im not making sense.
i dont know what im talking about. the easiest thing would be to end this now. just end. find something else flingy, like i usually do. i obviously am not the kind of person who can do relationships. I do everything wrong. Myk left me. I felt smothered by Jeramy's needyness and wiggled away from that. Brewster is going to leave me before I can even start. why do I bother?
/me gets the brick and starts stacking another layer up and around.
Oh, but I really enjoyed this person he showed me up until last night. I REALLY want that back. I want someone to be affectionate for real and have it not be just about the sex. Maybe it was still.
Im so confused. I thought I knew what I wanted. I think I do. But both things I want I cannot have.
I guess I need to wait. No, start stacking. No wait. No fly. Haha, and he thinks HE has thoughts. so much I can hide behind these eyes
I was as cement-ey as possible all last night. I dont think he knew how much pain I was in because of all the drama and confusion. Because he had one arm around me as we went to sleep instead of his whole body on top of me and his head buryed in my neck..and when we woke up in the morning, and he did his little curled up postion on the other side of the bed and not on my side. i know people dont always have good days, they dont always want to wrap up in each other, but in light of the stress I managed to put on him though my writings (as who knows...i might be doing again, cause i have to get all this out ...cannot hold it in!)..and then having our night be like this...and the morning. oh, will it ever go back to how it was?
I will write an email at some point, but i dont know. I think I need to sleep and not think any more. Give my head a few days to fully rid itself of any pill effects (cause as we know, these could be VERY WELL swaying my thoughts...)
also is this stress about "you need to disattach yourself" directly pointed at brewster andthis situation..or at my whole love life history as a whole, ad it s culminating now, exclusive of the person? i need to focus on what the problem really is. maybe i alreayd know and i have to re-read this.
maybe i just need to be someone's Goddess. for once. but the catch is i have to like them too. ah, the catch blah blagh blahnasdifsephifsiphsf
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this entry is for noone but me. i needed to just get out the swirlies in my head. no matter how little sense it makes. just pound it out on the keyboard. so that new swirlies can form and some sort of progress can happen. there is no advice needed. no consoling. just ehwethewhigfhiwef
Stacy and Xeon are here. It's nice to have people here finally.