January 7th, 2001

letter from dad

ok, dad's responses are dashed and my previous email to him is undashed in the brackets {***are my current comments} id like to know if im out of my mind to be angry...

Hi Lisa,

Well I don't know what mom said but I think you are over reacting. We don't agree with all you've done but that's our opinion and may not reflect the true situation. See below for comments...

Many things that need to be said:
i tried to call, but it was busy--
im sure if i give the landlord this agreement, it
should be fine. i would add though, that perhaps the 3 months could be anytime during the lease (its only for a year, anyway).

DAD: (his responses will be dashed)
--That would be ok.

you wont ever have to pay anything bcause i have the money for february and by the end of feb. ill have a job. hes not going to come after you cause i will have paid him.

-- if that's so then things will be ok..

im not so much upset about the letter than about what was said to me on the phone. i know you didnt say it...but i cant believe two parents would think exactly opposite..

-- I don't think I can know what Mom said..

i called to ask about your trip. and i got mom. she told me about singapore. then we got on the job discussion. it didnt matter that ive only been here for 9 working days. that i found an apartment (and i will assure you, 1350 is CHEAP.

-- but $1350 is not cheap to us.. its alot of money and work for me.. that's a whole pay check.

the same apartment in manhattan would be at least 2500/mo. im not even living in the nicest part of brooklyn!

-- but I don't live in New York, and its the most expensive place to live in the US..

im not splurging in the least. anything less than 1000$/mo around here is in the ghetto.) in the first day i was here...and have had 4 interviews already, and have a few more scheduled...

-- interview are not jobs.. but I hope you are successful..

no..all that positive news didnt matter. all i got was how come you moved up there without a job?

-- well you did, and from our knowledge we saw that you had a job offer in San Francisco and you turned it down to move to NY without a job. To us that seems careless..
{***does it occur to you that i DONT want to live in san francisco...do you want me to be happy or unhappy in my life??}

(because i CANT get a job if i dont have a residence ... most people cant get one for weeks...i just lucked out) --and then the real kicker...i QUOTE-- no i dont trust you, and i have not seen any increase in resposibility over the past 6 years.

-- well the "trust" think keeps coming up too often. you can believe what you want. Maybe some day you'll be a parent and see things differently. Meanwhile you can just think what you will. I don't have any magic solution. We trust what we see, not just words. I've always done things that way.

{***so, if i were to become a parent..then i would should trust my kids? i should totally not have any faith in them and expect them to let me down? its a good thing i have found my own source of self esteem, because you sure arent helping me}

thanks a hell of alot..

-- Well same to you. I guess $100k for your education which a great deal was wasted was ok. More than anyone else has ever given you. And not to mention other things.. yes parents
are a pain.. but so are our daughters!

{***I WASTED your money? HELLO, i have a degree in economics. Because i changed my major to something i could use in the real world to get a job i WASTED my education? I'm a pain? I busted my ass with 16 credit semesters and a 20hr/ week job to graduate a semeter early to save 20k. im a pain? why did you have me?}

you make me out to be some kid with a teenage
intellect. do you know how much ut HURTS me to know im dissapointing my parents? i mean..i dont even know what the hell ive done... i dont know what this god damn template for responsibility is... i so tired of it!!

-- Well get used to it because that's what the work day world requres. You have to be responsible to keep a job. And sometimes that's not even enough.

{***why do all my complaint/observations about this parent child relationship have to get subverted to other topics. we are not talking about job responsibilities here. we are talking about trust between a 22 year old daughter and her parents. dont talk to me about job responsibilities. ive worked in everything from retail to the internet. i can hold a job. im askisng for a little respect from my parents!!}

im tired of not being what you want. im not a little kid. just because i dont live the life you did...or go about learning and loving the same way does not make me any less of a human. i am sooo outraged right now. im crying and im pissed.

-- Good.

{good? you want me to feel like shit?}

i dont feel like i need to earn your trust. i should already have it!

-- Why? I can see your mistakes and hope you overcome them. I'm not going to sign a blanket agreement with a 3rd party for unlimited funding of rent with no time or limits!!

{***why? because i graduated from college...paid my own way to NYC for a summer of internships. worked for a revolutionary internet company...paid my own way back up to NYC again..found an apartment and am stuggling to find a job. you say words are not enough. ive shown you actions. its sickening that you choose to ignore all ive accomplished to focus on what...that i didnt move to SF? give me a break!!}

ive never done anything wrong.

-- That's an outright lie. We all make mistakes. You too!

{***i wasnt talking making mistakes. i was saying that i have not lived my life incorrectly..ive never been a drug addict..never gotten an STD..never gotten fired, arrested... mistakes are not wrong. they are part of life. you make them too, and yet i dont not trust you, or call you irresponsible! im SOOOO sorry i cant be like my PERFECT parents}

all through high school...i was so good. i mean..i didnt smoke. i didnt drink. i did my best to be at home on time...and all i got was this sense on non-trust. i mean...by the end of my senior year there...im thinking..why the hell do i try? no matter how good i am.,.they just wont trust me.

-- Woe is me!

{***woe is me? no...woe is you for not understanding that what im trying to say here is that you have been pulling this shit on me for years!! why do i even bother?}

and its the same now. i got a loan to get money to come up here because you couldnt help me. and then mom tells me..no we cant sign a letter... gee too bad lisa...all that luck for nothing. the landlord takes the money and im stuck with absolutely nothing because you cant trust im resposible enough

-- Enough already!.. I don't trust 3rd parties that I don't know.

to get a damn job. you think i want to live in poverty?

-- Yes.

{**yes? you think i want to live in poverty. what the hell kind of parents are you? }

again, its not about the letter. its about what was said. i took responsibility for my health a few months back, with the HIV test.

-- So what were you doing that needed an HIV test?
(in the first place..)

{***i was living my life like any normal 21st century human being. im case you hadnt noticed yet we arent living in the victorian era any more. people have sex. people i have been with have done some serious drugs. i was taking making sure that i wouldnt be responsible for killing someone else... i bet you would be extra proud of your HIV positive daughter who infected 5 other people. luckily, im negative.}

.and i get bitched out.
I take responsibility for my life and pick up out of here and now and move to new york...the place i really want to be..and again, ive failed the responsiility template.

-- You've failed nothing. Mom just unloaded on you, that's all. Put things in the right perspective!

{***you shouldnt unload on your stressed out child, in need of support during her move to New York. you dont tell her shes going to fail.}

i know you didnt say those word, but you need to know how i feel.

im so hurt
so hurt

-- Well try to see beyond the anger and lets get this agreement hammered out so I can sign it and get it to you. I think you must need it.

bye now

(try not to hate me.. I don't hate you. No one is perfect.)

{***im not sure who my family is anymore}