March 29th, 2001

nostalgia

today i am feeling bitterweet...
i miss my first love, the girl band from new orleans i almost was a part of, traveling on a whim, experimenting with drugs before i knew how bad there were for me

i woke up in the night and pondered what the hell i was doing. am i going down the right track? should i be living with jeramy? is there something i could freelance at so i could travel (ideas anyone?) i feel like life chains me down, and i think thats something everyone learns after they get out into this so called "real world". But i feel like i could have the power to do something about my prison, if i could just figure out what the key is.

Im happy I live in New York. J ad I were walking around town last night, since there was no money to do anything else. I just enjoy the lights and the people and the feeling like something is happening, even if it isnt. I cannot wait to revel in life. And you might say, that i should revel in it now...but i cant. I work from 9-6, which means 7-7:30, after all the prep and communte. Then the J usully doesnt want to go out when we get home. I have been staying late to work on my project, which i think also antagonizes him. I told him I wanted to go dancing with Wil this weekend and he told me that he feels like im trying to get away from him..that i shouldnt abuse my "going out with friends by myself" Abuse? I told him he should come dancing too, to which he replyed that I knew that he didnt like to dance. I had to explain that I DID like to dance and that my decision to go out had nothing to do with him, but because I DID want to dance and I wanted to see my friends. I didnt decide to go out specifically because he didnt want to go dancing. He is welcome to come, or not, if he so desires.

I just want to run free. Im not sure how to do it, and its weighing on me.