May 27th, 2001

ok, drama....

i dont know what my problem is.
i wrote more on my mini collection of poems "Leaving Holly Park" which, when that happens, its not a good, stable sign.

1. I didnt actualy go out with the girls like i said i was going to. i actaully went out with a guy named bob. now, nothing happened, and nothing was supposed to happen, which is the screwy part... if you all rememebr there was this big deal about "bob" when i first moved here. i knew him from an adavertising meeting with here and now a while back. and i wanted to get in touch with him when i got to the city. friends are good, you know? so i tried to, but jeramy took it all wrong and thought that i was being subversive or soiemthing. so, "bob" became and eveil word, and even though i never called or emailed him, this "bob" figure was held over my head as some sort of trust issue.
so, this last friday, i really wanted to get in touch with "bob" and i knew the. only way to do it was to lie. now i feel like crap. and now i know that the J and lisa relationship is really on the rocks not really because of "bob" but because ive gotten into this lie. if i dont say anything about it, i cant very well hang out with him again, cause i just hate lying and its ewating me up righ tnow as it it. if i do tell jeramy, our relationship will be basically ruined and he'll never trust me again. (proly ok) in any case, i just cant handle this close of a relationhsip. i totalyl care for the J, but we never have sex anymore, and that sparkle is just gone. when do you decide its over? when do try and figure out if you are afraid to break it off cause you are too secure, or how do you tell the difference between security and really careing? what if i make the wring decision? its all so hard.

last night i went ot see "Jets to Brazil" pretty phat, especially since i dont know too many of their songs. i met a lot of lauras friends and i TOTALLY wanna hang out with them more (laura is the girl who;s job i saved at RMD by leaving) i got in around 3am with that.
so, now its sunday. im supposed ot be doing laundry, but i cant. i have more stress.
my ex boy (myk from brantson) will be in town, and i HOPE he calls me. i dont think he will, sinc i cant imagine how he would have gotten a hold of my email, since they have limited computer access, but im praying he does.
which leads me back to holly park (or how i should leave it)
i realize i have this ideal dream with unforunately for me, involves this ex,m this first love of mine. its like ill never be satisfied until i have it back. nothing at all can compare, and im worried ill be by myself my whole life, cause im never going to find that again. not worried, as in i NEED someone, but more like, ive come to the conclusion that im just going to be one single, messed up in the head girl, cause i cant get that one thing.

nuts.
help!

i feel like there are so many things i need to do, and i cant do any of them. the first thing that needs to happen is to get me single again. the second it that i NEED to move. cant do that until december. yikers.
pulling my hair.

i feel crazy