June 3rd, 2001

what a mess!

yeah, i think that i have so much on me now:
changing jobs, breaking up with the boy, who is still pretty clingy and wants to get back together...

im out today trying to find a cheap matress/ futon, so i can set my own room. i cant stand sleeping in the same bed. its just not helping me or him separate.

as for friday, i was over-reacting,and good ole bob did call me. hung out with him and ben and met this gal karen who said she was intersted in seeing some broadway plays with me. who knows.

in any case, we went to this party in williamsburgh, and it sucked ass. i guess the hosts were being thrown out of their apartment and decided to have a" trash the place" party. People were toasted and throwing beer bottles through windows and smashing through the thin, fiberglass walls. insulation was all in the air and chunks of wall were intermingled with lost change, spilled beer and random bits of clothing and cigarettes. i happened to meet this guy named Justin who was ok...nothing memorable, but as i left, he ran after me and asked if i was was going to be at the sweetwater bar with the rest of the crew, i said i might...and he got all flustered like i was playing hard to get..which i wasnt..i just didnt know. i tried to claarify but the game was afoot and i got a big kiss on the cheek and something about beautiful..and something about hoping to see me later. im thinking...ok, im not used ot dealing with this anymore. i did go to the barwith the crew and Justin showed up later, but he was all aloof and bizarre. people need to learn social skills. i heard a good bit about what a good guy he was, which made me decide he should be avoided. i ended up talking with bob and finally left with ben and bob to go back to bobs place and play tekken tag on the new ps2.

well, ben left and bob and i were watching a movie. he started to get a little handy, which sent me in a fit of confusion. i think my skin soaked up the attention more than it has in a year and boy did it want more.....but my mind was not ready for anything sexual at all. we sorta snuggled, but finally i had to leave. (we were watching sleepy hollow) i got the whole "well, i wont have sex with you, im not a slut...but yur so nice to hold,and id molest you, but i wont. i really want you to stay"
i hate that shit. i can see through it. brings back memories of feeling cheap in college. i dont know. i had to get outta there.

so, i guess its ok. i need to get out and have fun. sleep around a bit, but theres a few people id like to be friends with and not have any strangeness, no matter how much i need to go crazy. lord help me.

i used to know the way, but now im confused, and feel every bit of 50 and divorced.