im a mess. i need to figure myself out again. ive been putting songs on repeat in hopes of finding more meaning than they lyrics sings. i cant even talk to jeramy without feeling hes completely patronizing. so much has happened...the move, the struggle for a job, switching jobs, the break-up, trying to "date" again. (as if i ever DATE...when was the last time someone took ME out to dinner and tried to impress the hell outta ME?)
I got stood up my the D last night. HE didnt even bother to call at 7. proly forgot he said he was going to the night before, being drunk off his ass at 5am. It just hurt, cause i realized again how bad i was at the whole seeing people thing. being with someone for a year makes you forget, you know? but yeah, i was bummed. i was going to go to williamsburgh and drink, but i ended up hanging with my girl evelyn and her roomate and talking and eating doritos. im not totally crushed or anything. barely in a bad mood today. wasnt the case, last night, but yeah, im ok. but im still a mess. what do i need? im a catipillar spinning my cocoon. evolving.
im justy worried im going to do harm to myself while i figure out what i need for the next stage in my life.
sigh. time to work. its 9am. grunt groan
trying to formulate some after-work plans. laura is out on a meeting, so shes unreachable. i did talk to my old co-worker, Pablo, and he invited me on a helicopter ride, so im roling that idea around in my head for a weekend in the near future.
im also thinking i should brush up on my russian. i love that language. i think im gonna go buy a book and study on the trains to and from work. i have a good 1.5-2 hours a day. that should make me an expert soon enough.
im not to hungry today. i think my body is in turmoil.
oh yeah, now i remember what i was going to talk about...
the J. i have the worst time getting along with him lately. i always feel like hes looking down on me. when he talks, its always with this silly grin and he makes "jokes" which i always take seriously. like (i know you dont care, but dont invite people over here to sleep with you) and when i get annoyed with him for saying that, stating that i KNOW that is aggravating and im doing my best not too..he's like ha ha..its a joke. i dont get it. he keeps saying "now i see how you REALLY are" and "ive changed...im more mature and i know how you think..i understand you know"
makes me ill. how could he possibly know how i think? im a mess! i dont even know how i think. so every time i do see him (1-2 times a week) the conversations are always so uncomfortable and i get annoyed with him. i just dont even want to see him anymore, really. i know thats bad, but i really need some time away. not a week..not a month, but a long time away. when we talk, its like hes forcing me to know myself and defend something. and he grins and watches me squirm. I his friend, but I just wonder how i spent a whole year with him. I dont like his high and mighty attitude (which i told him last night) and to which he replyed...oh poor you...you are so used to seeing me freak out, but now i have it together, and THAT is what you dont like..that i can think for myself! (how ridiculous a thing is that to say to me?!) i told him i thought it was the best thing i did in a while to break up with him (which of course, pipssed him off...) but now, hes taking care of his credit probs, taking care of himself, switching jobs because Bombay is fucking him over, making friends, going out. all the healthy stuff that never happened while we were together, you know? and he told me i was conceited to say that...but i didnt mean it that way. i was only saying that i thought he had really progressed as a person after i let him flounder...
i think both of us are touchy, and its definately not just me as the mistreated angel. im not the friendliest thing to talk to i know. at least if yur Jeramy...just because i really dont want to see him. i dont know. i just didnt need it last night after being stood up.
the caffeine from the pepsihas made me nervous. im going to go buy a book and go hang out somewhere, since laura is booked up tonight.
im sorta depressed today. i dont know what to do with myself. i dont wanna go home. if i do, ill cry.