August 20th, 2001

turbulant weekend

More happens in my weekends than I ever expect. And most of the time I expect something completely different (my all seeing and understantding goddessness does get it wrong sometimes ;) )

Friday sucked. Noone was home and I needed to play. The home life fell around me as JEramy screamed at me about not taking care of his cat. He threw beer bottles, slammed my door, raised his hands at me, as if to threaten to hit me. He tells me Im 12 and have mental problems. That I have huge issues to deal with with the relationship. I dont know..after someone screams that at you for a while, you wonder if you really are ok. i think i am. i just want to move out and get on with my life...
but i dont know. in any case, i lost it and being that noone answered the phone, I ended upat Conrads. Entirely not where I wanted to be, NOt cause I dont like him, but i knew what he hoped me showing up would lead to. I told him right off that I needed a friend. Thats all I was looking for. We went out for a couple of drinks and then headed back to his place. He was pretty frisky, as I expected, but I turned him down on the pretense of being sick, which i felt like I might be. It was sorta shocking to me that he kept sorta trying. My mom would say "thats what you get by going to a boys house" but noone else was answerign the phone. in any case, I felt strange the whole night after we got back from the bar and I left shortly after I awoke on Saturday. I didnt go immediatly home, but instead took the NR to Lawrence St. and walked down Court street and explored BRook;yn heights, cobble hill and Carroll Gardens more throughly. I know thats where I REALLY wanna be, but its sorta expensive. ill be hard pressed to find a studio for 1000 or under. Hmm.

more later...its after 9, so i gots to work

(no subject)

so on saturday, i poked around the hood i wanted to be in. i spotted a few brokerage houses, in case the internet search thing didnt work. that neighborhood is the best. Cute, safe, and near lots of little shops and places to buy REAL food (fresh fruit...oh so good)
i walked all the way to the old pizza joint, where when i first arrived was my sole source of my one meal a day. AH, the memories. Great pizza though. right before I walked in, I noticed I had a phone call,and it was TIM!!!
So excited. My buddy had finally made it into town! We chatted for a few minutes and then i invited him to dinner with me and some friends (Wil and Scott and the gang..if you dont know, see the 4th of July footage)
I couldnt wait to see the boy.

Bought a slice of pizza,, breathed it down, since i hadnt eaten dinner the night before, and wandered down to Wils. Wil lives in my beloved future neighborhood. Im sooo jealous.

So yeah, I head over there and we chat about life and catch up from the past week's events. I realize that I cant buy any ingredients for the salsa I'd decided on making for the dinner party, cause i didnt have my ATM card...so
i knew id have to get home. plus i needed deoderant. yuck.


Anyway, lets skip over some trivial details.
Went home, came back,
met up with scott. Went shopping
Helped to cook dinner, proceeded to get drunk with my buds on wine and coronas and sangria.
Tim arrives!!

It was sooo good to see him. I cant even explain. its like having a light turned on in your life. We were both glowing after being deprived of each other for the past year and half. I wish I had more details, but at this time I was massively drunk, and continued to annebriate myself with Tequila shots with Tim.
ok, fast forward..

its around 10:30 and I wanted to take Tim out to one of my hangouts. I call up Bob and find out he's there, so we jump on the train and head up to Williamsburg...oh the Turkeys NEst..how wonderful art thouu a place!

Couple of beers, and then Tim kicks my ass at pool. I guess Im the one who messed it up, cause I hit the 8 ball in. i HATE that!

So yeah, we're hanging and Tim meets a couple of bobs friends, and I get distracted by a hot boy. Man! leave it to me. He's Bobs friend James and he's leaving for Champagne Illinois for good in a week. What a time to meet someone. We chatted it up the whole night, but I was good and only asked for a date the next day, which he promised to take me on. What beautiful eyes he had. Sigh...

ok, so yeah, its the end of the night, and Im letting Tim crash at my place, otherwise hed have to go to the BRonx, and thats extra annoying, for those of you who dont traverse NYC.

I dont rememebr actually getting out of the cab. I do remember waking up and i was really hot cause the fan wasnt on and i had a little hangover. Id had whiskey shots at the bar with JAmes. No matter how much I love Makers mark, it does me in every time.!! Tim takes off.
I go back to sleep. Wake uparound 2 and still feel like shit. I aquire an egg and cheese sandwich from across the street and lie smack in front of the TV watching a bad Rock Hudson movie....MicGillis and Wife, or something like that. Time clicks on and I rememebr I was supposed to have this movie date. I sorta doubted he'd call, cause my luck with that stuff lately hasnt been all too good.

Well, around 6:30pm, surprise..he calls!!
MAde my millenium. I was to meet him at the Film Forum on Varick and Houston at 8:00pm.
I sorta had to rush to get ready and I flew off. I was in such a good mood, I hugged the cat.

So, we saw this french flick, Band of Outsiders. Totally funny. Go see it if you havent. The girl in there is REALLY cute, and JAmes sorta has this crush on her, which i think is why we went. He was such a gentleman. Even bought me my ticket! We toodled on over to WAshington Square park, and it became sorta obvious to me that this was proly not going to turn into a torrid love affair for his last week in NYC, but I didnt care. I was happy to have been taken out and I was having a good time. ITs too bad I was a little tired..
and its too bad about that Torrid love affair.
but yes. im happy.

Around 1am, we decided we needed to jet off,so we clammered down into the NR union square station and headed our separate ways. not even a hug though. i dont like saying goodbye like that.
i know hes sorta passive, from his conversations, so i guess if i wanted to put on any moves, i should have, but like i said, i was sorta just enjoying being a little safe for once.
im sure ill see him at the Turkeys Nest before I go. im sure ill be just as well behaved.

so yeah, got home at 2am, fell into bed. the god damn alarm chirped me awake at 6:45am...i fell back asleep until 7:15, awoke again in a fluster of profanity, jumped in the shower and was outta the apartment by 7:30.

ITs lunch. ive taken in a piece of the worst, coldest rubbery friend calamari ever and im not feeling so great.

im tired. tonight, i have a hot date with dream land.
that is after i go to wil's and report on last nights events!!

(no subject)

monday is over yet again. thank the lord

im off to wils place to have some dinner and pick up my ulu board and cookbook that i left over on Saturday cause I didnt wanna carry it around at the bar.

I got a note from Conrad. Hes upset about Saturday. I guess I sorta did stomp outta there. But I need to leave. He says Im full of contradictions. Thats what Jeramy said too. I think im just not ready to do anything but be absolutely irresponsible with me and others...
and thats not fair to the others. i dont mean responsible sex wise. i mean, responsible as i think about what im doing with myself. ive been so involved in my own thing lately that im pretty ignorant of the way other people tick. i dont think its wrong to be into your own thing when you're dealing with all the stuff i am, but i know it is unfair to the people around me and i completely acknowledge that.

as for being full of contradictions, it all makes sense to me..its the process of figuring out whats up..but to others is a mess of confusions and contradicting ideaologies.
you know what i mean? when you're trying work on your problems, its easy to spout stuff. like, we talk about the way we want to be, and then about the way we really are, and then get them confused, and then try and give others advice, and then act completely opposite.
its natural, but unnerving to some extent.

the thing at this point, as you know from this journal, is getting my financial self together..getting my "sanctuary" together. my home. i have a habit of taking fake and temporary sanctuary in things along the way: people, drinking, travel. it gets in the way, but perhaps eases the pain of not having things solved. i just feel everything will be better when i arrive at my new place after dropping off the moving van. pay off a debt or two.
theres other things, but i have to skip off to wils place.

have a good night all. dream of geni for me