September 2nd, 2001

(no subject)

ive come to the conclusion that every other weekend should be a vacation from my life. completely, entirely, and without remorse. this game of relinquishing my private territory has forced me to find a new way of distracting myself. I feel naked, however, as I am not able to document the turning wheels of my mind. i can only regurgitate the events: misted by the fountain in Washington Square park, sunburning while shopping with drag queens, fretting over 2 men who love me, and even more over the one who called me last night to pocess my attention. And here I am in the lions den (writing to escape!), awaiting something flamboyant that wont happen, knowing I should be faithfully elsewhere.
I was supposed to attend the Turkeys nest last night, to meet bob, conrad. I turned away with great vigor from these duties of necessity to trip along around Brooklyn, on the search for something I knew wasnt really there. Tim said his goodbyes at 11:50, mouth full of pasta. As I walked from the the door to the train station, my mind was on Domenic and I questioned why I was so easily led. I yelled at myself, cursed, pulled the hair out of my inner doll. On one hand, I felt liberated by Anias Nin, and on the other I felt trapped my own good conscience. It is an awful thing to be intruiged by a man who does not love you. Even as we go our lust on, I was unsatisfied. And yet, I could not stop.

(no subject)

my body is tired from trekking around the city all day. i finally made my way back to astoria from the streets of the west village, from the streets of chelsea, from the long wait and ride on the L train (with domenic's roomates' girlfriend), from the blue van where I kissed Domenic goodbye as he asked if he could call me around 5pm. it is a little after 6 and i have not heard a peep. i would be pre-occupied, however I am on my way to meet Wil and the crew at wigstock. This is the last Wigstock. I plan to document it as well as I can with my still camera. In a few minutes I will leave for Chelsea Piers and hope that tonight I will be as reinvented as I have been the last few evenings. as i walked along today. i was hit by the flow of frustration...how i wanted to record everything i heard, saw. the little comments of passersby and my own stream of unstoppable consciousness as i gazed out around me. i have decided i need a Diana, a tape recorder in my pocket. Something that I can hook up to my mac and download my free thoughts. where may i find a such a devise that i might whip it out of my pocket without trouble and comment on my would for later embellishment?

i feel much richer this weekend than i have for months. the late summer vibe and the absece of responsibility is intoxicating. how i loath the forshadowing thoughts of returning home!