November 25th, 2001

(no subject)

my date for the evening has just left. We ended up going to the Red Hot Sezchuan place. I heartily recommend it. I love how my place is walking distance from some of the best restaurants in Brooklyn.

Russ is really cool. He seems really laid back about everything, and still not fazed that random people around the world follow my life story. Im going pretty slow with everything...(you all know how i am!) I think for now it just needs to be slow. I really want to be sure we jive as friends. As silly as that sounds. So far, so good. In really tired of empty relationships. Im not talking about guys i meet in bars, or talking about people in general who could be potential friends, but things fizzle, or whatever. Yeah, NYC is full of those. Its hard to trust people...especially boys. I just need to keep it a little casual for a while before i jump too far into anything. I tried to do that tonight, and I think i did ok. We one little goodnight kiss, and that was nice.
The other point i have not brought up yet (and seeing as im going to more dyke bars as of late) is the fact that I dig the ladies. I would assume he knows what Henrietta Hudsons is, and why I might be there, but I dont know. My dykey side is in painful need of satisfaction (im not JUST talking about in bed here...). And I finally have a group of grrls to go out with, and I am not going to put this off. Its just really comfortable right now to explore this more. (I sound like I just came out or something! haha) I was amazinging "at home" last night at the bar...more so than any other gay bar ive been too. My mind swirls and I yearn to be either straight or totally gay. I feel tremendous pressure to make some decisions either way, but it is impossible. (And more so with women, since bi-sexual grrls are seen in such a bad light, mostly, from my experience) In any event, this is an odd thing to write, because I know he reads this journal...and I am certainly not writing this in here to avoid bringing it up...but it is MY JOURNAL, whether or not anyone at all reads it, and I feel the need to emote, and thats what its for. Do you see the Catch 22 though? I have to remember that I cannot cater to the readers, especially if I know them. I have to be honest and truthful to myself, and not lie or hide things, even if I know it will hurt someone. Kinda a Stacy situation here.
anyways, so as much fun as I had tonight, my mind was need to choose him or the grrls. But that is ridiculous, because that cant happen until I totally fall in love with someone. (Hits self in head. Why do I have to deal with these things?)

all I can conclude is that I really would like to date a woman, and I am excited to see him again. And that is all the conclusion I am going to get tonight. Maybe thats all I'll get for a while.