February 3rd, 2002

at renzos

im sitting here at renzos...
he's making me a brie and lox sandwich. mmm. here he is all europeaned out...asking me if i want swiss cheese in his sexy accent, and then i see the kraft singles on his counter. haha!

i am a happy girl today. he always makes me feel fabulous. his new place is gorgeous. much better than that overpriced studio. and the neighborhood rocks out as well.

dinner was perfect. I actually ate fish, but it was cooked so well that I enjoyed it. wine. dimmly lit dining room,. doting french servers. High topiaries, and phalic looking statues.

I am having a hard time writing my thoughts this morning. my head is cottony and im just overwhelmed by my crush on this boy. today, at this moment. with the tea he just set down beside the keyboard.

how can you have lox and brie and hummus on 2 pieces of bread?
oh, that is the question of the morning.


i still have last night flowing through my veins. its strange how i get like this. insatiable. i need to be back there again. crawl under the covers beside him. run my hands all over him. feel him all over me....

i know this feeling will pass in a few hours when there are other concerns on my mind. At the latest, I will wake up tomorrow with a head full of import/export problems. For now, the afternoon is lulled by the leftover intoxication which I cannot completely explain, of even recognize in full. I wonder what Renzo would say. I suppose it really doesnt matter. I am happy to swim in the pool of now. I wonder if I will feel like swimming i the pool of now when I am 30. We talked about that last night. Got on the topic of marraige and getting older. would I be happy single and 60? It'd hard to say. I guess its less about sex then and more about friendship. (although, maybe not, but i dont wanna think about THAT!!) In any event, I wondered if good friends would be the same. I concluded they would be. I wondered if society is what makes me feel like i should somehow find "someone" before I get too old.

I must calm down. Tim is coming over soon. I don't think hes in a very good mood, so some cheering and fresh baked cookies are an order. That poor boy is certainly living the hard life in NYC. I mean, hes sharing a 500 square foot apt with 2 other guys to lower the rent! ack!

He should be here any time. I should wrap this up. I dont feel like I expressed my emotions at all!
I hate feeling trapped like this.