March 12th, 2002

(no subject)

rrrg.
yeah, its more than just a bad mood. its like EVERY day after work. its getting worse. and worse.
today i was in a bad mood when i got to work.

i think my birth control pills are fucking with me. i feel as if i could cry right now. just break down. and theres NOTHING to cry about. its lame. i know its just the drugs.
I hate feeling "girly" like this. all intensly emotional. i feel like yelling at myself cause i made a little mistake on a chart for my boss. whats the big deal?

oh and i havent heard from brewster for 2 days.

(no subject)

oh this is horrible.
im ready to break down and cry at any second. any. one more things could set me off.

this SUCKS. why am I having this reaction? Im soooo depressed. lame lame lame.

brewster left me a message on my cell phone to tell me that he forgot that tonight was the night he has tickets for Porgy and Bess. I almost died. I dont feel like calling him or emailing him or anything. this is SO NOT LIKE ME. i mean..what the fuck? He told me about these tickets a while ago and wants to hang out tomorrow. NO BIG DEAL. but no, today i cant deal with it. today, i want to throw things, eat everything (which i am. I spent 7$ on a salad with EVERYTHING on it...)
is THIS what it feels like to be a girl?
i dont want it.

(no subject)

i know im freaking out. im so sorry...but im not the same person at all. im mean and sad dont want to talk to anyone or function at all.

how long should i give it before i talk to my dr? I really need to be on this.

(no subject)

i called the doctor and she said this was normal..that i just needed to wait through it for 1-3 months. im thinking...god, am i going to make it?
she says "as long as you're not suicidal..although I don't like the fact that you are crying so much..."

but she told me to wait at least another month. so, i am.
i dont like feeling like this though. i feel like such a freak and i hate myself for it.

she said she would call in a prescription for me if i wanted to switch. so, i think i might do that...for the necon, but then i have to start all over and stuff.

guess i should just stick it out. mind over matter.

(no subject)

im feeling a bit better. my coworkers went out and bought a huge bar of dark chocolate, and that has made me balance out a bit, as strange as that seems...

i think im really going to have to do a huge lifestyle change to be able to take this:
lots of chocolate. lots of water. lots of exersize.
no caffeine (besides whats in the chocoalte) and lots of vegis and carbs.

i noticed that i felt especially freaky after morning coffee, and theres no way to get rid of the bloat besides drinking lots of water and working out. Working out is also required to reduce the bad effects of all the chocolate.

sound like a plan?

(no subject)

plan for tomorrow:
up at 5:40.
In the pool by 7am, up near work
work out for 30 minutes.
go to work early, because i left too much work on my desk to come hide tonight.