March 20th, 2002

(no subject)

got another email from the B. i think he does feel a little bad. he says he likes me, but hes got issues. i am guessing that from our talks he is liking me more than he wants to, and due to the past, its freaking him out cause he doesnt want to go through any of that pain again. cant run forever though. maybe im flattering myself. maybe hes squirming away and trying to be nice. why analyze? doesnt matter anyway :(

thwack, says bill the cat. and opus looses his ass again.

im just going to continue on (trying not to puke everytime i see a couple on the street being all kissy), and if he decides to come around, we'll talk. am i scary or something? i dunno.

otherwise, im about to bop off and hang out with Tim, who i havent seen FOREVER. Yay,! Its the best little coffee shop in this town. Im also supposed to have a date with this guy Mark sometime soon who has been hounding me, but I have put off ...cause you know, I was happily pre-occupied. There is no loss for people...just people with that spark I enjoy. Ah, what can ya do? Be hurt and pretend its all good until it really is.

(no subject)

just got back from dinner with tim. how i love my tim. he's leaving for a few months over the summer, and he will be missed intensely. we met at and then headed over to the Bendix diner on 10th and 1st. They sure can make a mean omlett. yum. i was CRAVING eggs. proly for the protien.

anyways, we talked about me and we talked about tim. hes still with elona and i asked him how the hell he keeps it together. hes not sure. all he said was that he pretended it wasnt serious, and thus it could remain serious. whatever ya have to do, i guess. he also asked me why i was so quick to date someone else right off the bat this weekend,. i thought about it, but only for a moment.

"BEcause im lonely" i said.

i dont have that many friends in the city. Tim, Wil, Stace (whos gone all the time). Uh....yeah. Im VERY lonely. not so much for a significant other, but just for others. this is why im so happy this swim team is getting started up. it will get me out of the house and exersizing and chatting with new people. i am SO lonely. its hurts. and all i can do is constantly date a new person all the time, since thats the easiest way to have someone around. its really pathetic. i knew this all along, but it somehow didnt click.

someone wrote in some comment that i have a lot to be happy for. i do. yes. NYC, a rad apt, a rad roomate, my camera back (although its been pretty wasted this past week), my head, my heart, and im not half bad looking.
i am happy. just oh so lonely.
gotta love the city.

anwyays, i digress. so tim says, why dont you hold off on seeing other people for a while.

i think i might. just find zen. try to.
try top go to places by myself, read. try not to get sad cause i am there by myself. all that.