March 29th, 2002

(no subject)

how would i aquire past issues of Entertainment Weekly, or Details? anyone know? This is very important to me.

We sit with glasses of alcohol in front of us. Mine is almost empty and I cannot stop fidgeting with the matchbox. I like his music, the industrial meets Twin Peaks. I want to hear more. I want to roll around in that head of his. He and Wil chat and I have nothing to say. I am drunk off of everything. I cannot remember what we talked about, except a brief moment of venting about an upsetting contract from yesterday. His eyes smile at me, as if they are sincere. I want to believe it.

in a subway station. noone is around. the platform has been recently sprayed. everything was dancing around me, and now sudden silence, emptiness and confusion, in one second: a whisking, metallic screeching wind. Goodbye. Goodnight. Where are the stairs to the Downtown 4? Alone. No one to ask. Wil is far off. And he, he...never existed.

(no subject)

Alone, as always.
I have just missed the train.

We are running down the hallway. I am grasping a heavy turntable in a black bag with my right hand. He goes to take it from me, but knowing that it's quicker for both of us to run with half the weight I say "I'm a swimmer you know! I can handle it."
Pounding feet, the Uptown 4 racing by in front of us, just starting to slow.

We are back where we started, the Borough Hall 1234 entrance. The connection to the N/R is a long adventure though the underground maze, and at the end of it we only found a sign, "No Brooklyn bound N/R trains at this station."
Frustration at 2:30am. It didn't occur to him that he could still go uptown. I didn't remind him. I didn't want him to leave me just yet. We retrace our steps.
"you could always come back to brooklyn," I suggest.

"Tempting, but I have to be at home tomorrow morning to meet my friend C."
Bummed. No reason to be.

He puts his arm around me for a few seconds after his answer, as if to indicate that the declining of my offer was not the rejection of me. A pervasive sadness swells from my center as I realize how much I do not want to be alone tonight.

Awkwardness because of the two turntables, so we untangle and I take one of them. We turn the corner, and the Uptown 4 is entering the station.

Racing down the hallway. The doors fly open right as we get there. He takes the turntable from me, and plants a big, wet, unexpected kiss on my lips. He turns away, and the doors close behind him. Screech of metal. I debate whether to look though the windows at him while he leaves, to linger for a moment. But rushing trains do not linger. I decide not to either.
The breeze. I am alone in the station. Exhausted. Drunk. Wil is far off, and he...he never existed.