May 5th, 2002

(no subject)

i need to figure out what im doing. before that, i need to figure out if my artistic latency has to do with these pills again. im not freaking out. i used to take this necon stuff before and i was ok. looks like i will be again. yay!

everything is sludge. im uninspired. im unsure about where to go from here. unsure about what i need to prove. if i need to prove anything. why i would need to prove anything at all.
Deathcab for Cutie again.

I'm rethinking about what i value in life. what makes me happy? what really makes me happy? change. i cannot stand to be stagnant. and growth. have not done either for....feels like an eternity. i think thats why i have been withdrawing from my live stream. i dont have anything new to share. ive not been going out, except to JC's. I have gotten over a year behind on the news. no classes. no lectures. no travel.
i have nothing to offer. to myself or anyone else. i am bored with myself. i cannot understand why anyone else would be interested.

i didnt always used to be like this. boring, uninspired, poor, apathetic.
i dunno what happened. all i know is that is been overwhelming me slowly since i moved to NYC. and that's not what i thought would happen when i moved here. i truly believed i would bloom.
stacy and i were talking. we are so tired of surviving. i want to live. i can only share myself when i am. and that i what is missing.

the change, the growth, the life.
i am not unhappy. i have a JC. good friends. fun roomie.

but i am missing myself. no in a "who am i way?" but in a "where did i go" kinda way.