May 15th, 2002

(no subject)

im going off these pills a week early. im such a mess today. i cant think straight. i dont know if my fears are real or not. i feel like im not good enough for JC. i feel like noone can really love me. i've gained weight cause i cant stop eating. my face is a mess. ugly. im extremely sad.
i started to stress out last night. what if he gets tired of me? what will i do? i dont think i could handle being ripped apart inside on top of my outter trials.
i also know i dont usually think like this, but its harder to remove the real self from the druggy one. i feel like such a drag. there are no real signs of anything going bad in our relationship. in fact, everything is quite good, and better than i could hope for. so, i know for sure it's pill-induced. ive dont a good job at hiding it, so far. i think.

i dont know what the fuck i was talking about key west. even if i did get 400$ together to go, i couldnt eat, or rent a car. or buy souveniers, or stop at kinkos to upload pictures. i need to just get a life and realize im poor as fuck, and suck it up and get another damn pier 1 job. use my week off to be constructive instead of taking a vacation.
or.
reduce my costs.
since i dont pay for food (except urban organic every other week), buy new clothes, makeup, shoes, equipment, or drug, im not sure what to cut out. i am only thinking that perhaps i am not living in the best place for me afterall.
i dunno. it is no use thinking today. nothing will come out straight.

(no subject)

on my second cup of coffee. this is a game. how many cups of coffee can i drink today before i go insane? lets just add on foreign substances and find out my limit.

sine waves

geez, im on a totally different wavelength than i was this morning. ack!
how could i even be thinking those thoughts? they make NO SENSE.
i love my JC

(no subject)

im waiting for JC to call and tell me what happened with NYU.
His application was rejected. (So was mine , for that matter)
His last school was ridiculously tardy on getting out his transcripts, so we think that is the issue. Lame huh?
Still, I wish there was something ***anything*** I could do to cheer the boy up.

NYU sure knows how to reject the smart people!