August 12th, 2002

(no subject)

my feet stumble along the dirty platform. Trains on either side, one red, one silver rumbling into the dark tunnels in front of me. "im leaving tonight. Now you've wasted your whole life..."

Im filled with an emptyness in my gut. I look around the faces and wonder if they stare into the vacancy within them once a day, twice a day,for most of the day. my left earphone is hurting my ear. i wiggle it and deal. I wonder if they even have one and if I should be seeking help about my inner universe.

On the 6 train. The doors are open wide at Spring street. My eyes trace the edge of the opening: a squarish rectangle with rounded corners. So silver. So easy to run through. I wonder if i hopped though, if i just didnt come into work today, and bought a bus ticket to somewhere far off, if my life would truly change. The vacancy fills with a dark blue ooze, the knowledge that nowhere is different because we are still stuck with our own conscience. nothing would be different. another unhappy job. friends far away, and no James. so much promising in those silver edges. so many lies. The conductor's announcement blends with the hum of rush hour voices and the music droning from a band in California. The doors slam shut and the train lurches to Bleeker. Bleeker.
Astor Place. 14th St, union square. All the people get on here.
"Im leaving tonight. Now you've wasted your whole life..."

(no subject)

In the office. The radio sings on in the background and I realize I can't name a single song that's played since I walked in this morning. The earlier emptiness has been filled by hot chocolate. I happily discover some leftover bread from last Friday's luncheon, and midchew, unhappily discover that I am eating mold from the underside. Daily penicillin to cure what ails you. The morning flys by, thankfully. The boss asks me out to a "discussion dinner" tonight, but I tell him I have already scheduled plans with a friend who I have not seen in months. This is true, for it's been almost 6 months since I last saw Alice. Dinner is set for tomorrow night. He says he is going to check out my website, since he heard from a former customer of ours that it is not appropriate for children.

I accidentally checked out the Godfather 2 instead of the Godfather last night. I wondered why there were suddenly 2 movies instead of one on the shelf. You'd think the different picture would be a tip-off, but I guess not.