James was supposed to be home at 2:30am, so when I rolled over and he wasnt there at quarter to 4, my brain woke up and started waiting on him. Fuck it, I thought. And just got up. I managed to type an hours worth of notes. Debating the swim thing, since I didnt go to sleep until nearly 12am.
He got in around 4:30. Had to work late.
So, Ive decided I need to have a little chat with James tonight. Everything about our relationship is pretty perfect except for the lack one thing. And unfortunately, that one thing has been doing a mind-fuck on me for the past 6 months. I have been going in and out of unhappy episodes for a little while now, and I just dont see an end to the situation. I need to really nail down what the heck is going on tonight. I need to decide if it warrants us taking a break just to see if things can be worked out. And I really want things to work out. We live together. We own furniture together. I think both our families kinda consider this relationship pretty significant. He's a beautiful amazing person with qualities that I wonder if I'll find again in someone else. I cant even imagine not coming home to him, and so it's almost as if I'll be stabbing myself in the heart in anything I do. I think this way, and then I lose my nerve to talk. I swallow my pain, and enjoy the everything that is wonderful about him. And then I remember again. And it hurts so much.
But tonight, I have no choice. I told him when he called me today that we needed to chat tonight. So, I've done it. I Can do it. I have to.
Great...now I have a case of the "allergies" at work.