April 7th, 2004

(no subject)

so I went out to get pizza and I almost started crying. In front of me was the most beautiful girl. Perfect long blond hair, big blue eyes with long black eyelashed. Not like britney, more like Vogue. She was so gorgeous. And I felt so ugly with my faded damaged red hair, these glasses. My coat all covered in cat hair. I thought: wow, you are so amazingly beautiful. How could you not have everything you wanted in life? I bet your significant other wont stop wanting you. I bet he'd passionate about you until the end. I bet you could walk down the street and have your choice of the most wonderful people to be with.

I feel so horrible today. Im losing my mind. I want to shave all my hair off, take some random drugs and sit in a dark hole for a week or two until I finally have to come out to eat. And then maybe life will have more meaning because the food will taste so amazing. Im trying to convince myself it's all PMS and Ill be over it tomorrow.

But I cant lose my mind. I have school, and I have to go to work. And other people need me to lean on. My classmate asked me how I remain so calm about everything. Nobody knows that Im about to go insane at any moment. Because it's nobody elses problem but mine that I am here where I am today.

ok, im ok

And surprise.
What you didnt know is that while everything is going on, I started seeing someone else about 2 weeks ago. One of my classmates. And I kinda like him, but im so guarded. And I dont know how to act or what to do with myself.

And if it ends badly, I have to see him in class for the next year.