June 26th, 2004

lazy saturday

baking zucchini bread. cleaning. studying. our second class of the day was cancelled so I was able to run over to Urban Outfitters to buy some undies. Mine are worn thin, to say the least!

Then I napped from 3:00-5:00pm. Needless to say, I proly wont sleep well tonight, but that means there's more hours before I need to go to bed. a lot can happen (info craming-wise) in 5 hours :)

I got my neurology test grade. I made the only 100% in the class. the next highest grade was a 94%.

trying to keep my brain occupied on mundane things.

HIV tests

I am living today as if hiding from a death sentence. Somewhere, somebody knows how short my lifespan will be and the amount of pain I will cause myslef & everyone else at the end.

Im making zucchini bread for the boy Im falling in love with and hte boy I just kicked out a few minutes ago. Maybe it was months, but in the context of currect events, everything might be over in a second, in a word. And my life before will be a blur of incorrect decisions and lost happiness.

I am living today as if right now, someone is stamping and notorizing the end of my life. Far off in the halls of fate, an uglu gnome files me away with the likes of the rest in the world epidemic. It makes no difference to him who I am and what my dreams are.

Perhaps this moment, this day, is a regretful vomiting of the way of I have lived this past year. Intimacy blurred with necessity. Seeking what I needed from other than those who loved me- other people who I did not love. all the while being denied by those I so sorely needed. People who claimed to love me did offer me more than words, clean laundry, and difficult decisions.

And so I chose to be along and act as best as I could to be cold, warm, generous, and anonymous. I wonder if I have killed myself. If I am dying right now- if the gnomes have closed the cabinet with my documents filed near others with my same name.

Today is unhold. There is so much beauty within reach, but even without a clear verdict, I am too tainted to touch it. I am frightened that all of it will disappear with one word. I cant expect anyone to understand what I am feeling, but I PROMISE to myself that if I am indeed awarded the gift of life, I will take care of myself. I will love again. Myself. those around me.


(no subject)

zucchini bread came out well.
im bringing 1/2 the loaf to D tomorrow and the other half Im sharing with James for breakfast tomorrow before his massage.

neck muscles are coming along. in layers. literally. im taking a little break to see how much I can forget. :)
i wonder if other people are studying these things. not that it matters, but i just cant see continuing in the program without knowing all the little details. I guess that's why im the metal element thru and thru.

mr. softie is outside my window, as his is on most nights. rrrg. get a different tune already. somone is shooting a gun somewhere, or exploding something. doesnt sound like firecrackers. it's one boom every 1-3 minutes.