July 7th, 2004

(no subject)

One week later and my anxieties -thankfully- have drifted from the red into the amber. When she told me I was negative, I didnt believe her. She showed me the charts - "non-reactive" Gnomes in far away places filed someone elses death sentence where I was so sure mine was to go. But they squinted at my face for future reference. A chart that maps out my remaining time on the planet sits in the corner under other things. I cant see it. The squinting gnome knows its there - knows something on his desk relates to me, but turns to file away people who who werent so lucky today.

I left the office, holding back tears. The Dr. put her hand on my shoulder but I didnt look back. I stayed inside myself and only let out a gutural curse when the elevator L button wouldnt light up.

This weekend has been..wonderful..no, no words for the feeling. A4th of July baseball game, some bad clam pasta. Some tasty peanut noodles. Inside jokes about flipper and monkeys. Car facts - caught in a wet downpour in the park - smiling at a freckled nose, soft eyes, and a beautiful smile of a boy that I was finally able to let in. And the tears flowed down my cheeks and I Was not able to disguise how much I needed to feel his skin on mine. In mine. "Please take good care of me" i said last night. "I promise to take good care of you" he repeated it twice. I want to believe it. I didnt mean just my body in that moment. I think he knew. He knew that I had fallen in love with him. But I didnt say it. Only my desire to be bound and entwined with another.