October 17th, 2006


I eye

Jason of massage and last minute drinking buddy fame

Yaaaahhhwww. Really, you can't be serious.

The view at dusk from Dave's terrace: the Hudson River and Quadrangle.

Hosta: a survivor on the Riverdale terrace.

Contraindicated contradictions

So who’s gonna watch you die?”

I was alone the other night, when the temperature dropped and condensed. In Chinese traditional medicine, the Fall is a time of contemplation, sometimes grief, sometimes regret, when all the layers shrink and the energy of life flows inward to prepare for the long winter. It is metal shrinking, particles easing closer across the microscopic miles. And I was cold. Shrinking away. The water took a long time to warm up and I sensed a vague annoyance from somewhere: a notion of standing around shivering…later. The warm water sprayed my face and shoulders and finally ran down to collect around my feet. I don’t know how long I stood there with my eyes closed, but with every passing moment, I felt less and less until I was empty. I turned to gaze out through the shower curtain and instead of seeing green frogs playing with pink and yellow butterflies, there was flat grayness without a third dimension between the curtain and the wall. In that moment, nothing existed in the beyond. I was about to wink out. Would it matter if I stopped breathing at that instant? Would the course of history change? Would it matter? Really, after a few people cried, after a period of healing and forgetting? I’m replaceable and memories fade. And when those who might remember have gone?. nothing. I was a supernova, with all the colorful layers billowing off, leaving a dense core in the heart of some dark space. The water edged higher in the tub with the slow drain. Life was all wrong. Wrong choices and wrong causeways. Where was there to go from here? I could not see a future that made any sense. I wanted to start over and rewind back to when none of this mattered. I held my breath. Waited. I did not go back or forward. But I could not give up being by will alone. It seemed not my decision to make.

I poked at my office salad. Do plants feel pain? What a silly question. I felt guilty for eating the grape tomatoes topped with Annie’s Goddess dressing. (My favorite!) Life is so precious. How cursed we all are to know that we exist. But what a gift to be aware, if only for a few years. When we finally close our eyes, we are back to space dust. And atoms collide and combine but we know nothing of it. What a shame. Not a single plant or person or animal or dream should die. But there’s nothing to stop it.

“Love is watching someone die. So who’s going to watch you die?”

(no subject)

who ever says "Mommy, Daddy! I want to me an administrative assistant when I grow up! I want to make coffee for other people and look up main contact numbers to hospitals! I want to fill other peoples' staplers, load dishwashers, and call downstairs to have the fix-it men change lightbulbs! And mostly, I want to file. I love it. I desire to slip thin sheets of poorly clasped papers into folders that are arranged alphabetically by ticket symbol!" And whose parents would pat them on the head.

I want to massage and not at some lame spa. This city is pissing me off. It's too expensive to follow my dreams here. I got a call from a doctor last week and I need to return his call. He's been referring clients to me...clients that I have to refer again to my biz partners cause Im not around to work on them during the week. Im going to call him back tonight and see who he can send my way on the weekends. In fact, lemme just do that now.

(no subject)

he wasnt there. so I left a message and the phone tag begins. I don't know why I didnt call sooner. Maybe it's the illness coming on. I've been all achey and snotty today, and in a brain funk for...well, that has nothing to do with viruses. Anyway, gross. I think I went though a whole box of kleenex. I have a meeting in a little over an hour on the upper west side. TNYA is trying to convince another team to join us on our One Hour Swim fundraiser in January. We've been a little at odds and I see this meeting as a little bridging of the gap. Hopefully. I need get outta here, I suppose. It's raining and you can never tell what a little water might do to the subways around here.