December 19th, 2007

(no subject)

im lonely. im a little confused. im pretty scared. i feel like crying. it's a PMS day and it lures all the baby demons in the dark corners of my brain out into the open so I can see them in their full and hideous glory. I dont like myself on these days. And I dont like myself..because I dont like myself. its self-perpetuating. lame. mostly im lonely. i dont trust any of my guy friends these days. they are all acting wierd. even more so than when I first broke up with Dave. ive got 2 girlfriends. one hardly accessable in Harlem and the other I see all the time here at work...but...Im sure the last thing they wanna hear about is demon-walking. The one here at work has, and well, I dont need to talk to her about it any more.

So, thats that. Isolation. Things are not progressing and Im not sure how to make changes towards that end. Im doing something wrong. Theres a DomF/subm holiday party thing tonight, but didnt bring anything to wear..and fresh from getting my hair done, ill be covered in prickly hair and it will be later than the 7:30 start, besides....much later And its a holiday party. Couples. Not in this mind state. No good for Neko or Lisa.

What next. What next? sleep. just sleep.
i dont wanna talk to anyone.

(no subject)

its been so long since ive been touched intimately by another human being. that massage the other day didnt count. it was deep tissue on my back. thats not intimate.

He was petting and calming demons as his fingers worked shampoo into my head. It wasnt sexual. It was intimate. For just 3 minutes, that little head massage almost made me cry, touching something deep and undernourished. it left me wanting more, like a small puppy--hungry and cold. I wanted it to last forever...but if not that, just a little longer.