October 17th, 2008

Alien invasion

I have LOADS to think about. Im so tired that I can barely form a thought. i have no idea what happened or who i was last night. it was like i was sigorney weaver and some alien popped out of my chest and was leading me around. bizarrio. i just snapped.

The easy part is as follows:
1. If I need a night alone, put my foot down and make sure it happens. dont go out and then try to leave all drunk at the end. i was trying to bend and make the other person happy (Yuu) and it backfired when i REALLY and FINALLY needed to be alone. I know when im not fit for public consumption.

2. last night was my fault. all the unstable emotions brewing under the surface about Jo and my relationship with relationships just CAME OUT (dont forget the alien bit I just wrote). I dunno why and where they have been hiding. But intense feelings must have been stacking up. the night before at dinner was a preview. i almost cried when Yuu asked me about Jo. it was totally unexpected. i realized that a part of me still loved Jo very much and wasnt ready to make room for a new person. and the tension that created was lurking just under the surface until last night at that moment when suddenly...i just needed to be free with my thoughts.

3. im not always a considerate person. on the outside i am: in my apartment, in daily life around town with friends or at work, but on some topics, i just do what i want...(like when im having a lisa-psychological breakdown/ building up / breakthrough moment) and for me to just walk away from Yuu to be alone when he's worried about me and scream at him to leave me alone... that just sucks. i was acting outwardly crazy even when everything i was doing made sense for what i needed right then. he didnt know that i had a place to go (bar Sincere) and as it turned out, he was looking for me until 8am (about 5 hours), and reported me to the police in hopes that they would find me..and when they did, call him. he took my bag because he thought i would be sensible and NOT leave my bag and run off. Yuu chased me around roppongi as i ran in the wrong direction yelling at him to leave me alone. Yuu was worried. And rightly so. While Tokyo is safe, its not perfect and not for a tipsy girl at 3am wandering about in the Pong.

4. So when the moment finally came about - i didnt see the hand coming - i was seeing stars. Bush would say shock and awe. But as much as a guy should never hit a girl, a girl should never do what i did last night to someone who cares about her. I fought anyways and when I felt hopeless enough, tossed against the wall, screaming bloody murder into the suddenly deserted Tokyo street, I wiggled away and ran like mad in the correct direction. I turned around and had lost him. I felt the pain in my lip as it started to swell. And the pain in my heart was unbearable. He just HIT me! I was selfish. I wasnt thinking about WHY this had happened.

When I met up with Yuu tonight, he saw my face and just started crying. "Gomen gomen gomen" he said over and over (im so sorry...) this of course made me cry and he wrapped his arms around me and we just whimpered for a good many minutes before we finally came to and thought about taking our blubbering to a less populated alley. He didn't mean to hit me so hard but he was drunk and desperate and as soon as he did, he regretted it...and took my bag in hopes that id just give up and come with him so he could deposit me and my alien at home. But I fought back. His arm were covered in bruises today and he's got some kinda bad looking bite marks on his hand where i briefly negated my vegetarian status. Human bites are none too clean and i told him to put something on them. and then i just laughed. laughed out loud. by this time, we'd decided to get some pasta. i was examining the damages in the flourescent lighting. My slap marks and arm bruises and him with own set of black and blue arms and vampire welts ---WTF. I almost BIT his fingers off. it was the alien I tell you.

Yuu, in many ways, is an innocent bystander in Lisa's trek up some some nirvana mountain. its not right for anyone who follows my life to hate him. As much as I was in shock about everything (and most of my friends as well), im OK. The incident was not unprovoked. and it wasnt about partying too hard (i didnt actually drink that much) or being in Roppongi. It was just the entirely the wrong moment to be A- drinking, and B- to be with anyone at all. I never ever deal with these moments well and I should know it by now and ...see insight #1.

Many people are not going to like Yuu for what he did, but I have written both sides of the story now as well as the non-alien side of my brain can remember it. (My first few facebook entries and emails were right at the aftermath before any sleep and straight thinking) There are damages on both sides initiated by me only. And as much as so many people would argue that we shouldn't try again because of his actions, I would venture to say that a number of people would tell him to "dump the crazy bitch" . My reaction would be to say "not fair" to call me crazy, even if it seems to be so because it's absolutely not. (yes, at this moment, tons of baggage, but not crazy) and he would say "not fair" to call him a violent partner, even if it seems so, because he didn't know what else to do to get me to calm down and think straight.

The hard part:
(and the moral of this day) Deal with the underlying emotions that caused all this. Jo, love, and the depth of "relationship" im capable of having with anyone right now.
Explain what I have written here to all my friends in the flesh (aka, im not that girl giving it another go with an abusive boyfriend)
Confirm with work that I really am ok, if the news has gotten around, which I can only assume it has since one of my very worried buddies called my Wednesday school to inquire after me....

DAI JOBU.
Alien, but DAI JOBU

Now, sleep, recover, and in the AM, apply foundation and attack kids classes with as much vigor as I bite Yuu's thumbs. After all, im here because someone thought I'd be professional enough to lead the learning process. And actually, I am.