ok, im at that point in my relationship with james when i start to get scared. (i don't want to say freak out, because that seems to indicate im in the process of a stay or leave position, which im not even close to. im oh so totally stay.) i realize more every day, every second how good this boy is for me. how much a care about him. even the little fibers in my feet and knobby bones in my back tingle with happy energy whenever he is around. we have the same brain. we compliment each other. our happiness is to make the other happy. he was on his back last night, grunting at the fridge door, drilling with stacy's handheld drill. the door wasnt hanging. he'd fight with it and then look up at me with those greeny blue full of frustration, but a humor about the whole situation. i stood there unable to help, for there was nothing really to help with. i just stood there loving him. i almost started crying because i loved him so much. one part of me was happy. one part of me ran and hid. I don't get to this place often. In fact, I've only been here once before. Wait, maybe not even once.
I don't have to compare James. He just is. Separate and beautiful, and I don't even think of the past. I don't care because I have found something real, something not a memory, someone I love completely and entirely.
I am scared because I am not used to it here. I'm like a cat testing a surface with it's paw, retracting quickly. Looking, testing, retracting. I worry that at any second it will all be taken away from me. It was before. I have no reason to think it will be, really, so I do not worry. I do the opposite. I drink every second in. Perhaps I should pull away, but I'm not like that. The more I feel, the more I want to give of everything I can possibly offer. I wish I could shake him, hold his head, and make him understand. Unfortunatly, Im not a Vulcan, so backrubs and headscratchies, kisses, warm cranberry orange bread, and little cards with little notes sent in the mail will have to do.