im feeling generally restless and unhappy today. i asked james if he was going to start classes or go to the wedding and he said he hadnt though about it yet. told me he'd tell me tonight, though. i am kinda hoping he decides to go to the wedding, cause maybe i could go too and get out of NY for a day or two.

i miss all my best friends (TERRIBLY), who are all on the west coast and begging me to come out there. like i posted earlier, mel and jay emailed me their numbers, so at least when im at home all alone, i can call them and leave messages. i mean, i cant even send out resumes cause i dont know where we are going to be. i am really leaning towards moving to seattle, the more I think about it. maybe its because i havent had a real vacation since i moved here. even the week i took off, i just sat around my apartment because all the people i knew were working, and i had no money to do anything.

im still feeling resetful about everything i have to do at work. it's nice because the annoying boss isnt here today. he'll be traveling until friday afternoon. i dont want to feel this way, considering its work id have to do anyway, but i want to retaliate and i know i cant. so i just sit here and feel resentful. that plus the coffee upsets my tummy. that plus the stress of waiting for others to make decisions. its hard to think straight about whats important, so as i was noticing last night, im stressing out about things that i shouldnt..that have nothing to do with any of these three topics. sometimes i feel like im going to explode. overwhelmed. and then i cant figure out if i am or if im just confused and that stresses me out more

AND instead of having any friends to talk about this with, im sitting all alone in my apartment, or at my desk at work, and all i have is a jounral to type into...and THAT is very unhealthy. im not seeking replys, insults, comfort. im seeking the tiny release that writing in here offers.

all this is so unhealthy. what is happening?