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my feet stumble along the dirty platform. Trains on either side, one red, one silver rumbling into the dark tunnels in front of me. "im leaving tonight. Now you've wasted your whole life..."

Im filled with an emptyness in my gut. I look around the faces and wonder if they stare into the vacancy within them once a day, twice a day,for most of the day. my left earphone is hurting my ear. i wiggle it and deal. I wonder if they even have one and if I should be seeking help about my inner universe.

On the 6 train. The doors are open wide at Spring street. My eyes trace the edge of the opening: a squarish rectangle with rounded corners. So silver. So easy to run through. I wonder if i hopped though, if i just didnt come into work today, and bought a bus ticket to somewhere far off, if my life would truly change. The vacancy fills with a dark blue ooze, the knowledge that nowhere is different because we are still stuck with our own conscience. nothing would be different. another unhappy job. friends far away, and no James. so much promising in those silver edges. so many lies. The conductor's announcement blends with the hum of rush hour voices and the music droning from a band in California. The doors slam shut and the train lurches to Bleeker. Bleeker.
Astor Place. 14th St, union square. All the people get on here.
"Im leaving tonight. Now you've wasted your whole life..."

Comments

( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
howief
Aug. 12th, 2002 08:46 am (UTC)
Howie the Subway Rat
You keep reminding me of my childhood. Since I went to Bklyn Tech, I was always on the trains. Rush HOUR. Flatbush Station. Ft. Greene. When my family moved up to Riverdale, I had to take the #1 train the whole way from 238th or 242nd all the way to 14th to change over to the express going into Brooklyn. The subway teaches you a lot. You learn how to act around other people. You learn how to present yourself, when and to whom. Yes, there was also something depressing about it. I learned that, when I was working in Rockefeller Plaza that the subway exit was only about 100 feet from the entrance to the office but, if the weather was bad, I could wander through the tunnels and the underground shopping and go through a plain door and wind up on an escalator right in the lobby of the building. I think it was the better part of a mile. The subway was warm. It was a warm cocoon that seperated you from the reality of what was above or below. If you let go of the pole, you could practice your surfing. Lean to the left; lean to the front right.

I wish I could improve the mood, but some things just require the time to play themselves out for you. We went for sushi in Fullerton, straight up Harbor Bl. Boy, has the Disneyland area changed. Everything changes when you're not paying attention.

Howie


lisagoddess
Aug. 12th, 2002 09:12 am (UTC)
mood is ok. just thoughtful..and you know how music makes the scenery change...
spiral
Aug. 12th, 2002 10:01 am (UTC)
mmm, starflyer.
( 3 comments — Leave a comment )