today, I am turning into someone different.
This morning, I used James's computer to check my email because he had turned it on to check his before getting into the shower. So, I check my email and write to Charlotte about this cool girl with whom I double blind dated with 2 gay boys. then I decided to log into nerve.com to repost my ad in the women's section. I click on the personals link to log in. What to I find? Another profile is already logged in. Im thinking : "ok, cool. Maybe James jumped back on Nerve.com to get on with his life after the break-up. Let's see what his profile says. I bet it will be cute" so, I click on it, all curiousity. It's an ad: man for woman. Play. "Conventional is sexy, fetish is sexier" The location is Las Vegas, NV. He posted a fucking add to fuck women in his hotel room when he was out in Vegas, when he was supposidly mourning his sister's death and helping to clean up her apartment. So the whole time he was there in January (that whole "bad thing" I mentioned happened a while ago) , when I was worried about him and calling him he was trying to fuck random women. What the hell?
So, Id been waiting for him to come around these past 6 months. We hadnt had sex since September, before my birthday. (Not only that, I dont think he's kissed me below the chin since Sept.) He claimed that he wasnt overly manly sexual, and it's his issue and not me. That he tended to close off and that he'd work on it. That he was looking for a partner to spend his time with and the sex part didnt matter to him. (It REALLY matters to me...but I was trying to make things work and wait it out) Id been waiting for him to see therapy and get over this...for six months I waited because I believed and wanted to believe that this could work. I didnt cheat on him, even though I had plenty of opportunity. (Cheating is a big issue with him...or so he claimed...his past girlfriends cheated on him...proly because of lack of sex...and then it'd be over. I promised him NEVER to do this. And I didnt!) and then I find that he was trying (of did) fool around behind my back.
And on top of this, I walked into the bathroom after I saw the ad. I asked him if he had posted a personal ad while in Vegas. He told me "NO". I asked him if that was his finals answer and if he was lying to me. He told me again that he did not post an ad. I said that I had seen his profile on his computer and the "conventional is sexy, fetish is sexier". Then he says, "ok, that was mine". Fucking liar! I lost it. We were supposed to go to brunch this morning, but I started making breakfast. I microwaved my soy bacon for so long that it cracked the plate. I threw the egg spatula that I had just washed across the room, and then realized that I would have to wash it again before I flipped my eggs. He got out of the shower, pulled back a chair and wanted to talk. I told him I didnt want to fucking talk, and to get out of my sight.
I want him out of my apartment and out of my life. I have no idea how the hell im going to pay all the rent on this place right now with school and large debt payments. I dont know how he's going to move out in his current financial state. I dont care. I want him out. this last 7 months has been a mindfuck to my self esteem and mental/ physical well being. I want the him out of my life. completely. I never want to see him again.