I rewarded myself for my hard work by going shopping. Some of it was necessary: I needed gifts for a baby shower and some candles to help cover the cat-stink. I found a jacket finally: it's velvet gray/brown with blue pinstripes and a military collar. I wore it this morning over the hoodie. I was on the elevator today with 2 guys. One got off on the 10th floor and as soon as he did, the other turned to me and asked what was on the 14th floor. I said "work". He didnt laugh, or even crack a smile, but I wasnt really joking anyway. He asked if i worked for a record company (there is at least 1 in the building). I told him I was in finance, but it paid the bills. I felt really blank and I didnt know if he was hitting on me or genuinely interested on what might be on the 14th floor. I chalk it all up to the jacket. It's powerful and lovely...and a little expensive. But I needed it, since I didnt have any fall outerwear--just hoodies. My real splurge though, was on the cat hat. I've wanted one for so long and on Sunday I gave in to a blatent "Emily the Strange" black snow hat with red ears. I love it. I wore it around my apt on sunday night as I cleaned the corners. Nothing like a cat hat and the tunes of Coheed and Cambria to get the chores done.
The wedding on Saturday was super difficult. I knew both the bride and groom, but more about the bride more since I trained her as my replacement at the Japanese company. Their ceremony was religious but the pastor was awesome. She gave great advice on how to keep the union from breaking. --down to "have an affair with each other! Set a meeting in a hotel room. Keep it interesting!-- I like a little kinky from the wedding authority. haha. but their vows were sweet and love true and unquestioned. This is not what I needed to deal with at all, and I ended up singing "Sweet dreams are made of these" over and over in my head, and Kylie Monogue "La la la lala" to shut out the dialogue and overpowering need to break into a thousand little bits. The bride said her death till I parts and I do's without a faltering gaze from her husband's eyes. I was jealous and ashamed. I stared out into the cemetary behind the church, singing the whole time, and wondering if those dead people out there had any stupid dilemmas such as mine. when it all comes down to it, we all die. And no decisions we make now will change that. Wrong or right.
At the reception, Dave and I stood by the fireplace drinking wine. It was a fullish moon and we were warming up after standing on the balcony enjoying the way the light bounced off the ocean in the darkness. The coals settled and I asked him if he could see himself with me in 10 years. And he smiled and took my hand and said yes. I wanted to be completely in that moment, a true memory, but instead, I tainted it with my sick questions. I could see myself with him in 10 years too, but would it be the "correct" match? Would I regret it somehow? Would I be giving up some other life that I'm supposed to have instead? I kissed him and smiled and we walked back to our table where our married friends were taking hundreds of pictures for posterity.
I don't need to know the real reasons anymore why M broke things off. I think I understand now what "i kept thinking about the end" meant. But it doesn't matter. While he declared that he no longer could see me, we did end up seeing each other a few more times and "friends" before leaving Oberlin. All of those times were electric and I know it wasnt all in my head. We made out on a park bench. I realized that I just need closer (sp?). Seeing a new girlfriend of his on Myspace should be just that, but it's not. Because he never said anything about losing his feelings for me. He just ended things for some higher reason. That's like asking me to end things, in a certain way. And so, I suppose that's what I've been trying to do all this time. For the past 8 years. At least, this is the conclusion I came to after thinking it over and over and over at the wedding and especially while gardeing. And this is as far as I've gotten with that issue. I understand what's in my baggage.
On Friday night, Dave picked me up from swim practice. My shoulder was killing me and he was late because he forgot his wallet at work. It took us an hour to get back to Brooklyn because of all the traffic. I didn't care. I was happy to see him. But he was really grumpy from the get-go... I held it together. I needed him to be perfect: to be happy to see me. To be the highlight of his day, his week, his life. But instead, I got yelled at "I'm hungry and tired, ok?" I did my best to cheer him up in the car. When we got home, I needed to eat too. Swimming really takes it out of me. I tossed a Thai menu at him and asked him to order and I'd pick it up. I was cold and I didnt shower after practice, so a quick and hot shower was an order first. He was sitting on the couch with his eyes closed. I asked him to order. silence. I asked again. and again, and finally, he opened his eyes and told me that he wasnt hungry. I was so irritated. What do you mean yur not hungry!? You were just so unpleasant in the car! I took my shower. I wanted to go to the bar across the street and listen to the band and drink, but I also didnt want to rock the boat. I dried off, tossed on warm clothes and picked up my keys. Dave had crawled up into bed. I told him I was going out to get food. He muttered something. I asked him if he was okay and just said he was tired. To make a long story short, I wandered around for 45 minutes before picking up some Sushi next door. I called my friend in Portland to find out how he was doing with his recent break-up and hung around outside of the bar with the smokers listening to the tunes for free. I didn't need this from Dave. Not tonight. I picked up my sushi and went back inside. The bag was loud when I took out my food and I could hear him tossing in the loft. Are you ok? Dave? I cant sleep. Cant get comfortable, my back hurts. toss toss. I ate and turned in. I rubbed his back a little. And then I started crying. I told him that I can't stand the fact that almost every time he comes to get me on Friday's he's always in a bad mood. Did he realize he was so grumpy all the time? Why didn't seeing me make him happier? I don't see him except on weekends, so is this how it is, is this what I get to take away from our few hours together? Even if he had the worst day in the world, shouldn't I make it better? He apologized and I got some head scratchies out of it. I lay awake for a while. Thinking. Thinking.