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thinking out loud

Also in Mom’s email was a question: “Have you solved your dilemma yet?” I’ve been trying to forget. We spoke a little about my offspring issues while I was waiting in the airport to come back from DC last month. I still don’t know what to do. I told her that my aversion to children might stem from a core desire to not reproduce. But I also said it could be because it was always ingrained into me that having kids meant I’d be a failure as a woman, that by having kids, I was giving up the education and career and all the dreams and desires I ever aspired to--a failure. She said it was only because of all the Mormon girls. She didn’t want me to think that getting married and having 8 kids was the only way to live. (Well, obviously!) She apologized for putting such weight on the subject. Too late now. But I worry. I have a feeling that I just don’t want children. And it that’s the case, I shouldn’t waste any more of Dave’s time. Or mine.

Will I end up alone at age 65 if I decide now on no kids? I mean, it seems all the boys come around eventually and want a family. I’ve always hashed my way through life on my own. I’ve never really thought about life as a married person or with a family until the past few months. Dave has made it so crystal clear to me that I’m the future wife type. Is it Dave? Would I actually want to have someone else’s kids?

I wait (the same advice I gave to Jason regarding his ex-fiance over beers). I cannot make decisions now. But when? When will the answers come? And if I chose incorrectly to keep from being alone, will there be anyone there to stand up at the wedding and shout out why these two people should not be united?