Log in

No account? Create an account

Previous Entry | Next Entry

im lonely. im a little confused. im pretty scared. i feel like crying. it's a PMS day and it lures all the baby demons in the dark corners of my brain out into the open so I can see them in their full and hideous glory. I dont like myself on these days. And I dont like myself..because I dont like myself. its self-perpetuating. lame. mostly im lonely. i dont trust any of my guy friends these days. they are all acting wierd. even more so than when I first broke up with Dave. ive got 2 girlfriends. one hardly accessable in Harlem and the other I see all the time here at work...but...Im sure the last thing they wanna hear about is demon-walking. The one here at work has, and well, I dont need to talk to her about it any more.

So, thats that. Isolation. Things are not progressing and Im not sure how to make changes towards that end. Im doing something wrong. Theres a DomF/subm holiday party thing tonight, but didnt bring anything to wear..and fresh from getting my hair done, ill be covered in prickly hair and it will be later than the 7:30 start, besides....much later And its a holiday party. Couples. Not in this mind state. No good for Neko or Lisa.

What next. What next? sleep. just sleep.
i dont wanna talk to anyone.


( 5 comments — Leave a comment )
Dec. 20th, 2007 02:09 am (UTC)
Hi Lisa.
I can understand the loneliness factor, surrounded by millions of people but no one really knows "you", has unselfish concern for you. PMS or not, it's ok to be scared, to not always be that strong, driven beauty. Be whoever you want to be! Pour your heart out, lean on us for a day. You make us feel less lonely, so it's only fair. I wish there was a way for us to just hang-out and throw around ideas, I wish you were just down the block or across town. Demon-walking, is that some new kinda shoe, a cane, an attitude? : )
Dec. 20th, 2007 03:29 am (UTC)
i have told you before that i think you are an awesome woman - putting yourself out there like you do - in all facets.

i know how you feel - years ago i was dumped for being too kinky, and then went by myself to see 'secretary' when it opened, and the minute i got home, i poured myelf onto the livingroom floor and bawled - feeling like even with friends, no one really understood me or what i wanted in my life.

the good thing is that nothing stays the way it is forever...and all of this too, shall pass. just stay open and honest and allow yourself to experience all of the feelings you have - it could be worse - you could be numb.

much love
Dec. 20th, 2007 11:39 am (UTC)
wanted to share what i would try in this situation:
- take a good "st. john wort" supplement - it works wonders for alleviating moodiness/depression due to all sorts of reasons (winter, PMS, lack of light, etc). it works for me!
- make sure you dont have any kind of mal-nutrition, like many vegans have (are you?). especially, check on B12 and iron! a ferritine level under 100ng is not optimal for a athlete like you, and can cause all sorts of strange symptoms like fatigue, burnout, depression, etc. go and check your ferritine level!
- regularly meditate. about 30-60min a day. if it's hard for you to find the routine, begin by using the "holosync" product. it worked like crazy for me (and my brother) to get into it!
- if the above doesnt help significantly, dont wait too long, and go to a good psychotherapist
Dec. 20th, 2007 12:03 pm (UTC)
Re: just
some additions:
- also, in addition to the st. johns wort, take a good green-tea extract supplement (capsules) and cut down on coffee instead. note: st.johns wort takes 1-3 weeks to develop the full effect. take those daily for at least several weeks.

PS: about holosync: http://www.centerpointe.com/
note: holosync will ONLY work in combination with a high-quality hi-fi headphone which has an excellent bass response and left/right separation. normal/cheap mp3 player headphones, or ANY loudspeakers will NOT do it.
i would recommend something like a sennheiser HD555 or similar.

Dec. 20th, 2007 02:47 pm (UTC)
one word
( 5 comments — Leave a comment )