Im making zucchini bread for the boy Im falling in love with and hte boy I just kicked out a few minutes ago. Maybe it was months, but in the context of currect events, everything might be over in a second, in a word. And my life before will be a blur of incorrect decisions and lost happiness.
I am living today as if right now, someone is stamping and notorizing the end of my life. Far off in the halls of fate, an uglu gnome files me away with the likes of the rest in the world epidemic. It makes no difference to him who I am and what my dreams are.
Perhaps this moment, this day, is a regretful vomiting of the way of I have lived this past year. Intimacy blurred with necessity. Seeking what I needed from other than those who loved me- other people who I did not love. all the while being denied by those I so sorely needed. People who claimed to love me did offer me more than words, clean laundry, and difficult decisions.
And so I chose to be along and act as best as I could to be cold, warm, generous, and anonymous. I wonder if I have killed myself. If I am dying right now- if the gnomes have closed the cabinet with my documents filed near others with my same name.
Today is unhold. There is so much beauty within reach, but even without a clear verdict, I am too tainted to touch it. I am frightened that all of it will disappear with one word. I cant expect anyone to understand what I am feeling, but I PROMISE to myself that if I am indeed awarded the gift of life, I will take care of myself. I will love again. Myself. those around me.
O POSITIVE X NEGATIVE!!