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something worth fighting for

do you have something worth fighting for? i mean...truly- give up your life worth fighting for?

I dont. And for some reason, it bothers me.

When I came to Tokyo in 2007, I met several interesting people. Yes, I met Yuta and there's lots of record of that. But, my most interesting conversation was with Masa - about kamikaze fighters, about pride in something so great (one's country in this case) that a person would give up their life to defend it.

Im not really a nationalist. I think a lot of pride in one's country -specifically, country not possible loved ones that may live there- comes from a lot of government propaganda. I'm a just skeptic on this issue...but that's for a separate entry. (Nationalistic pride is just an example here and I dont wanna debate the merits of the USA or freedom or American troops in Iraq wasting their lives right now. OK?)
He sat slouched against the wall of my hotel room, shoes kicked off in the entry. Masa said, with tears in his eyes, that he would do the same thing today, I was lost. Here was a feeling I'd never felt. And to this day, I still havent. In retrospect, a deeper and hidden reason for the end of the Dave era was a search for this very thing. But why is it so important? And why do I feel so guilty about having a short and posh existence such that I don't even have to consider such an issue should I choose not to? What is the real problem - that I have no deep real rooted love and pride for anything, or that I feel guilty for no having love and pride for anything?

I was reminded about this quiet search during a conversation with Yanai on Sunday evening. He kindly took me out for dinner in Roppongi at a very "Kill Bill" kinda of izakaya. (apparently Bush Jr. dined here, along with Quentin Tarantino..altho not at the same time. That's another movie! lol) Over tasty and expensive Japanese tapas and a nice bottle of dry white wine, we started having a real conversation - something VERY hard to do here. We got on the subject of families, and before long, he was telling me that his grandfather was a kamikaze pilot. Apparently, the government promised a nice chunk of money should his grandfather every need to trade in his life. And he did, but not for the cash. And Yanai started telling me how proud he was, even tho Japan lost the war..and maybe Japan was wrong...but he was proud that his grandfather stood up with Japan against the big and powerful USA. He said all this while not actually attacking me, and directly explained that he was not intending to be hostile. I quite understood his pride. Nothing hostile about. We were far removed this this bit of history, and much closer to being quite drunk. An at this point, I was reminded of my conversation with Masa last year and that nagging underlying little voice that I'd so temporarily forgotten about--"what is it that you'd fight for?"

Maybe that's why Im here. But right now, I have no idea...love? (i dont even know the meaning of the word anymore- never mind the feeling), my country (hmm...), my life (Saw 5 coming right up)...yeah, in not sure. Not sure at all. and it seems pretty selfish.


( 10 comments — Leave a comment )
Sep. 22nd, 2008 05:59 pm (UTC)
i feel pretty much the same since my last big effort, kind of a 10 year long spiritual search/path, ended. now, that this goal has fallen way, it feels like a midlife crisis or so *g*. no real interest and no real goal anymore. it's like "ok, i've seen, and thought trough most of it. i can correctly anticipate 99% of all that will happen in the rest of this life. so what? now give me life #2" heh. it might have something to do with being different.. maybe caused by being more conscious than most. or maybe just feeling detached. at least that what i felt since i can remember. being different, and not feeling recognized - incl. by my parents. which in turn makes it hard for me to feel attached to them, or accept them as my parents. not a very good precondition to fully identify with life, right? ;) how is the relation to your parents, if i may ask?
Sep. 22nd, 2008 10:18 pm (UTC)
I've known you for quite a few years (on-line). I'd say the one thing you'd die for is "you". Call that selfish, I don't think so. I know you'd rather die than to live in an Idaho type society. You'd rather die than be a doctors wife (in someone's shadow), you'd rather die than be grist for the "machine". You are in fact living the dream most of us have for ourselves, to not settle, to explore careers, education, sex & relationships, and now the world. Maybe you're running from something or to something, or just grabbing on when an opportunity arises.

What outside creed or cult or constitution would you lay down your life for? Maybe it would be for the freedom to live your life as you see fit. Since you already have that, you are just trying to be the best you, you can be; to be outstanding at being you. Maybe you are on an ultimate quest to find something that transcends your ego, your need to shine. I don't know what that is, but just by being aware that you feel something is missing, is a step in the right direction.

It's been quite interesting over the years to witness your "fight" to be you.
Sep. 23rd, 2008 03:26 am (UTC)
Simro, that was good! Nothing to add. Nothing to run away from anymore. Total freedom. Now - what?
Sep. 23rd, 2008 08:44 pm (UTC)
I would fight and die for my son.
Sep. 23rd, 2008 08:47 pm (UTC)
I think it all comes down to your relationship with your family. After all these years of knowing you, I don't know what your life was like growing up with your family. I do know that time in life shapes you for your future.
Sep. 23rd, 2008 11:59 pm (UTC)
Right, but you always have a choice in the end. Family doesn't explain everything - there are people from the same family, the one stuck in the past, the other taking life in her own hand. The art of choice.
Sep. 28th, 2008 02:23 am (UTC)
YES. I have something worth fighting for.

>>>>>>>>>>>>> LISA <<<<<<<<<<<<<<

So bring on the fight.

Sep. 28th, 2008 09:09 am (UTC)
masa,here.i just happend to check your live journal.honestly,i cant remember what i told you in detail but im happy you still remember it.
Yet,i can throw up my life to the one who i love.perhaps for japan,for friends.but i shouldnt be blind.neccessary to look at thing at various angles.i need to keep balance.

i dont know people out there fight for something precious in daily living.atleast i do it.otherwise my life doesnt get nowhere.because life is too mentaly hard to stand for.hey,im sure you have a pride for US,your family.and then,its enough.^^

Sep. 30th, 2008 04:36 pm (UTC)
The search
The 'search' is worth living and fighting for i say.

(and bananasoup)
Oct. 1st, 2008 06:25 am (UTC)
My longer reaction
This is the stuff i really like to read, to see what is left of traditional culture of Japan (in this case)
I have respect for those that keep this alive.
I take it, that there more that share Masa's point of view.

One should argue on the political reasons for wars everywhere!
Fighting for a country is not what I would ever do.
That would imply, fighting in a preset political scheme, nothing to do with individual freedom.
Even when it neatly packaged in a 'democratic decision'

Heinz Alfred Kissinger: 'Soldiers Are Just Dumb, Stupid Animals.....to be used as pawns of foreign policy.'

George Walker Bush (Scherff): (well rather his ghost writer, as he himself is illiterate) 'If you are not with US, you are with the terrorists' (nice one Carl Rovenstein!)
Hell yeah, you don't want to be a 'terrorist' (which is undefined so anyone can be one, foreign and domestic)
And they make it seem to be a choice between these two, so got to fight for 'your country' then...hey everyone does it, so must be right then?

The false fabricated patriotism in US and their allies are obvious, and NOT a reason to fight and die for.

No, but fight for your personal freedom, and that of your family and offspring,or those of others in your community and, for this to continue in future, is a pretty good reason i would say!

I am sure Japan was lured and politically manipulated into war for wrong reasons also,there are no RIGHT reasons to START wars!

But the fact they have their specific traditional factor does place it within a different context i say.
However, i am by no means an expert on this.

This, in my opinion does not count for Germany and allies in WW2 as most of their ideals were based on a mix of other cultures German (Teutonic Hanseatic League ) British (eugenics, the camps) Romans Greek and possibly even Egyptian)
And USA, well some state USA does not HAVE a culture, but it got to start somewhere,and what they have now could be called 'culture

Fighting is good when there is a good reason.
If you can't find a reason that is worth a fight now, then do not need to fight! the reason will be there when the time comes.

Fighting in a more broader peaceful sense, for personal development, should be highly respected,

That 'search' continues for a lifetime i suspect.
( 10 comments — Leave a comment )