Love is "watching someone die"
Love is chocolate.
Love is a pain in the ass.
But, I just don't know what it means anymore. I'm not, at this point, writing from a jaded or cynical aspect. I mean...I just don't know. When I was 19 and met Myk Porter, I thought that was love. That kind of love at first sight - bam hit the floor and don't ask any more questions. Like that. Walking into a brick wall and enjoying the best concussion ever. Floating up and spending my time in a cloud of certainty. But I fucked it up. Immaturity. 19, like I said. I spent a good chunk of time searching for that same feeling...but i gave up.
Seven years later, I thought love was semi-romance with good intentions. Stability and a welcoming family. Planning for the future with white picket fences, perhaps New Haven, and jokes about how we knew better than the rest of the world. He'd do anything for me. But I had to leave. I wasn't ready for settling down. And my not so private life freaked him out.
Right before Japan, I thought maybe I was in love, but...was I? How could I leave if that were so? Someone who accepted me with all my faults and mental conditions. My imperfections. My damn public life....And still does, tho I dont deserve it at all. Someone who I think about every day and compare everyone to.
My point from all this unclarity is that i JUST DONT KNOW. Over the past couple of weeks, ive been mulling over things and have come to the decision that I dont want to spend the rest of the very best years of my life alone. But Im screwed. Because I have no idea who is right for me, and who im right for. I only know when im unhappy. And that happens when: well im mostly always unhappy these days in the love department. I dont trust anyone. I lie and tell whomever Im dating that everything is ok when it's not. But I have to say so because I dont know exactly what's wrong usually. I cant explain it to myself much less them. I want so desperately to be close to someone, but I ..like I said, I just dont trust anyone here. Not the j-boys. and certainly not the foreigners. and not myself. i am the least trustworthy of all. But if something feels right, it ends itself and if something is wrong, I keep it up and going for the damn sake that I want some company even if its totally not working. I dont know how to break the cycle.
But Im back to my main problem of. -- what's love and how do i feel it again? And here is where I get cynical. I've been subjected to 2 romance movies in the past week and between my snorts of disbelief is the deep sadness that life just isnt that way. I dont see how people can keep watching these things and think its sweet. Have I lost the faith that others still seem to have? Do people really go on believing that there is someone out there for them? Should I? Or is my story like the man trapped on his roof asking God for help. And God sends many modes of transportation. And the man finally drowns because while all the time God was answering his prayers, he was expecting something else. So...I worry, Im expecting something else while I pass by what would have been a good future. Because I wasnt ready at the time - or because Im worried that Im just settling - because Im waiting for that "whatever" love is supposed to be that I dont know.
Im 30. I dont feel any biological clock ticking. But, I know I want someone to come home to at night. But I dont know how to get to that place. I can meet people fine, sleep with people fine, but it just breaks down after that. Lack of ..something .
Ive barely eaten all day. 2 things happened last night, 1 a little too personal and randomly hurtful to write here (wow, really!) but the other a talk about leaving ones fiance due to lack of confidence. (not me, BTW)
... and proly due to monthly hormones and the state of my life right now, it had much more meaning for me than it should...so ive been spinning down down down into thoughts accompanied by Yo La Tengo and Goldfrapp that I hope end after I get all this out and some sleep and a good ass kicking in the running shoes tomorrow.
i dont think i can ignore this. perhaps this is the crossroads i needed to come to. and why i needed to come to Tokyo. I know what it means to be alone here. now, finally. and I actually have some confidence to say that I dont want always wanna be like this. alone, i mean. Tokyo two thumbs up. i just wish i do something about it.