through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on
consumer products;
1. On a blanket from Taiwan -
NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.
2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists -
REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.
3. On a Taiwanese shampoo -
USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.
4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink -
AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.
5. On a New Zealand insect spray -
THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer -
TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM
TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was
INSIDE the box.)
7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful haemorrhoids -
LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED
PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL
FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.
8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles -
OPEN OTHER END.
9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins -
WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?
10. On a Sears hairdryer -
DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.
11. On a bag of Fritos -
YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE. (The
shoplifter special!)
12. On a bar of Dial soap -
DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.
(And that would be how?)
13. On Tesco\'s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) -
DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN. (Too late! You lose!)
14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -
PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.
(Are you sure? Let\'s experiment.)
15. On a Korean kitchen knife -
WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
(Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)
16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights -FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.
(As opposed to use in outer space?)
17. On a Japanese food processor -
NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.
(Now I\'m curious.)
18. On Sainsbury's peanuts -
WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.
(Really? Peanuts contain nuts?)
19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts
INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.
(I\'m glad they cleared that up.)
20. On a Swedish chainsaw -
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.
(What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)
21. On a child\'s superman costume -
WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.
(That\'s right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)
22. On some frozen dinners:
SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST.
23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box:
FITS ONE HEAD.
24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.
25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine:
DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.
26. On Nytol sleep aid:
WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.
(Duh!)