yeah. i decided today- it's back to basics. let me think...what was it that i loved about webcasting and life archiving?
sharing, conversations, discovery, FUN. rants and raves. bathtub poetry. just being me. unprofitable, random, screw off (in the nicest way) if you dont like/get/wanna know ME.
what is that's prevented me from all these things?
"progress and profits". yes- those p words.
i always had my platform -a livestreaming camera of one sort or another, video and photo journals and this ole thing. this livejournal. and then, in the name of progress (klatcher/ consolidation/ being more public/ getting mobile/ trying to find a schtick/ making money)it just all clouded up in a heap of dust. i was told not to use anything that pulled away from a main website (nekomimilisa.com) . but you know what? whats the best way to communicate with everyone? FACEBOOK. where can i post photos? FACEBOOK. whats the best way for me to broadcast at the moment - jtv. where the best place to land a rant. HERE. where can i post my videos? youtube.
im sure i have it all wrong, but i dont think so. the fact of the matter is, im not packaged. im not blonde (not really!). i dont give a rats bloody ass about the newest tech. i was never a tech geek. im my own geek and it will never "sell" as so many people have hoped. i never really hoped. ive always sorta accepted that ill never be popular or rich (since about age 10! haha), but every time i start to get comfortable someone or something reminds me that other people are making a living from the web and pushes me towards it. and i get an idea like it could work for me. but it doesnt. and its OK. im OK with it, you hear me? i just wanna be lisa and start just doing that again. not for profit. just for me.
what is livecasting/ life archiving to me? its a fun waste of time. its art. its something that i would think would be totally cool to find 50 years from now -- the archiving of the major events in someones life for most of their adult life via writing, video, and livecasting footage. to others it's boring shit. but people say that about classical music or poetry or well, you get my drift. Me myself and I would think it was cool ,so im doing it. and thats the point.
"i wonder if everything i do....i do instead...of something i want to do more...the question fills my head...and i know theres no great plan here..thats the just way it goes..at least i know i do it for the joy it brings"
ive been singing those lyrics for a couple of days not knowing why. but i do now. i just wanna do what make me happy.
Its not even 10AM, and im grouchy.
1. Sick in bed. (ok, fine- and i COULD be up, but this is a decision to get better ASAP)
2. Rainy (all the more reason to be sick in bed)
3. The boy hasnt offered any support regarding my illness (and after 4 months of dating, you sure as fuck better acknowledge an email that states im having trouble breathing --- not going out on a friday night)
4. Klatcher is on the fritz and I cant do a damn thing that Jojo asked me to do today. Was hoping at least to get things done from the pillow.
Grrr. in half an hour Im gonna rouse my sorry ass up, put on a bra and some pants, grab the umbrella and saunter on over the drugstore to find something that helps kill the cough (and sending me into a floaty sleepy space would also be a nice benefit - Pair Coal, where are you?)
I seem to have 2 journals going on now. or 4 depending on if you count klatcher ideas and twitter/ twitpic. mighty confusing. will proly end up double posting on here whats on klatcher.com in my "blog". i really don't like saying BLOG. it sounds like something i coughed up, or that sea urchin everyone thinks is so good around here.
here, have some blog--its quite delicious. no..really, it is!
Yuta and I got together tonight for dinner after work. He was fretting over his FOREX accounts. haha
I told him about my uncertainties. And he told me something...
After our last dinner party (last month), we went to a Shimokitazawa bar. The guy im dating told Yuta that if I werent at the bar that night that he's be looking for a nice girl to pick up.
Yuta says that this is good...that my guy likes me. I gaped at Yuta. WHAT!? Number ! - WHY would he say this to a good friend of mine - doesnt he know people talk? And --It means that im just the entertainment for the day and any old woman will do! That means that anytime he says hes going clubbing, he's looking for a break. (He just went to Kyoto 2 weeks ago to go clubbing :( ) My heart shattered on the floor. Not what i need right now. not at all.
I dont know what to do with this information. I dont wanna throw this guys face, like a soap opera, but all this uncertainty and distrust ive been feeling...was it coming from me or some sixth sense?
well, this comment was made between guys, when my guy was drunk -- so maybe he was trying to seem cool? and this was before Golden week when he took me on a roadtrip with his really good friends and spent most of the time with me....watching Dexter and cooking. And him getting more affectionate and relaxed.
But, its a wall again. Distrust has been replaced. We're supposed to see a movie this weekend..since it didnt work out last weekend. I just dont know. No trust. No openness. No love. the end.
Love is the Rose.
Love is "watching someone die"
Love is chocolate.
Love is a pain in the ass.
But, I just don't know what it means anymore. I'm not, at this point, writing from a jaded or cynical aspect. I mean...I just don't know. When I was 19 and met Myk Porter, I thought that was love. That kind of love at first sight - bam hit the floor and don't ask any more questions. Like that. Walking into a brick wall and enjoying the best concussion ever. Floating up and spending my time in a cloud of certainty. But I fucked it up. Immaturity. 19, like I said. I spent a good chunk of time searching for that same feeling...but i gave up.
Seven years later, I thought love was semi-romance with good intentions. Stability and a welcoming family. Planning for the future with white picket fences, perhaps New Haven, and jokes about how we knew better than the rest of the world. He'd do anything for me. But I had to leave. I wasn't ready for settling down. And my not so private life freaked him out.
Right before Japan, I thought maybe I was in love, but...was I? How could I leave if that were so? Someone who accepted me with all my faults and mental conditions. My imperfections. My damn public life....And still does, tho I dont deserve it at all. Someone who I think about every day and compare everyone to.
My point from all this unclarity is that i JUST DONT KNOW. Over the past couple of weeks, ive been mulling over things and have come to the decision that I dont want to spend the rest of the very best years of my life alone. But Im screwed. Because I have no idea who is right for me, and who im right for. I only know when im unhappy. And that happens when: well im mostly always unhappy these days in the love department. I dont trust anyone. I lie and tell whomever Im dating that everything is ok when it's not. But I have to say so because I dont know exactly what's wrong usually. I cant explain it to myself much less them. I want so desperately to be close to someone, but I ..like I said, I just dont trust anyone here. Not the j-boys. and certainly not the foreigners. and not myself. i am the least trustworthy of all. But if something feels right, it ends itself and if something is wrong, I keep it up and going for the damn sake that I want some company even if its totally not working. I dont know how to break the cycle.
But Im back to my main problem of. -- what's love and how do i feel it again? And here is where I get cynical. I've been subjected to 2 romance movies in the past week and between my snorts of disbelief is the deep sadness that life just isnt that way. I dont see how people can keep watching these things and think its sweet. Have I lost the faith that others still seem to have? Do people really go on believing that there is someone out there for them? Should I? Or is my story like the man trapped on his roof asking God for help. And God sends many modes of transportation. And the man finally drowns because while all the time God was answering his prayers, he was expecting something else. So...I worry, Im expecting something else while I pass by what would have been a good future. Because I wasnt ready at the time - or because Im worried that Im just settling - because Im waiting for that "whatever" love is supposed to be that I dont know.
Im 30. I dont feel any biological clock ticking. But, I know I want someone to come home to at night. But I dont know how to get to that place. I can meet people fine, sleep with people fine, but it just breaks down after that. Lack of ..something .
Ive barely eaten all day. 2 things happened last night, 1 a little too personal and randomly hurtful to write here (wow, really!) but the other a talk about leaving ones fiance due to lack of confidence. (not me, BTW)
... and proly due to monthly hormones and the state of my life right now, it had much more meaning for me than it should...so ive been spinning down down down into thoughts accompanied by Yo La Tengo and Goldfrapp that I hope end after I get all this out and some sleep and a good ass kicking in the running shoes tomorrow.
i dont think i can ignore this. perhaps this is the crossroads i needed to come to. and why i needed to come to Tokyo. I know what it means to be alone here. now, finally. and I actually have some confidence to say that I dont want always wanna be like this. alone, i mean. Tokyo two thumbs up. i just wish i do something about it.
yes, frantic. that's the best way to describe this weekend. I tried to see everyone at once, and ended up seeing very few people at all. At the same time, I've hardly been home at all this weekend and I'm just as tired now, on Sunday night, as I was at the end of Friday. Friday, March 20th is a national holiday here in Japan, so I'm looking forward to a 3 day weekend. I've learned my lesson for sure. No matter how much I want and need to see my friends, I need time to myself. Yes, time to webcast and work on nekomimilisa.com..but also time just to relax.
It was noted that I took a 2-3 hour nap on Saturday. Indeed, I was (am am even slightly) still sick. Two weeks of this damn cold! And although I had plans to swim and grocery shop and cook,the only energy I could muster at 1pm was to go through my school materials. This turned out to be a terrible mistake because I spent my nap time tossing turning and having strange dreams about being unprepared and missing materials. Not restful.
I went out for dinner on Saturday at We in Ebisu. (Restaurant review to soon be posted at nl.com) It was pretty damn yum..at least the part I could taste at all. But 3 friends cancelled/ didnt reply after they said they would attend. So this shit also got in the way of my nap since, at the last minute, reservations had to be canceled and and and....I dont know why I bother to try and organize dinners or parties. It's not in my karma for them to work out. I should just be an attendee and forget it. In any case, reservations were all screwed up. then I was running late because of all the text messaging...and THEN I managed to get on the wrong train --something i never ever do! - and was 45 minutes late myself. You might imagine my mood was not good. The restaurant was nice and I finally relaxed.
Today I saw 007, but I never got to return home before to recover, so now - finally- im at home and racing around to do all the chores and leftover homework and site updates.
And tomorrow comes early and I have a lot of prep to handle before and after school.
The only good thing is that klatcher is slow as usual so while it's uploaded some pictures, I can type this and get my things together. Multitasking is taking away some of the uselessness I feel.
and the frantic. Because I feel like something has been accomplished. Arg.
Oh and I decided that I really like hanging out with Atsushi. I've been dating a few people, but he's the only one who's held my interest. What happened to Johnny? Im asking the same thing. Too busy to see me. Thats what happens when you cook shrimp linguine for a guy on Valentines day in Japan, I suppose. They keep sending you sweet messages about how much they miss you but how terribly busy they are. Lame. Finished. Anyways, Im reading this entry and can pretty much assume the truth - im scattered like the salt i dumped on the floor earlier while trying to navigate it from the bag to the shaker.
yes, i know i know! it's been quite a while. But I think you are aware of the circumstances...
Anyway, I survived the first week at the new job. What is the new job? Without too much detail, I work with 1.5-6 year-olds for 7 hours a day in an English immersive learning environment. There are songs to sing, chants to chant, and dances to dance. We make snacks and art and crafts.
The first week was shadow week. Not too much stress. But today, I have to come up with a couple of lesson plans to implement and at 10am on Monday, I'm front and center talking about houses with a puzzle of how the outside of a house should look. I'm a little nervous, but not because of the kids. I'll have 5 teachers and my manager watching me - yes supportively - but well, I'm new and I just wanna make a good impression. I know in a couple of weeks, I'll be so used to the rhythm and rhyme (quite literally!) and all will be well, but tomorrow...tomorrow is stress day!
So along with cleaning the bathroom and figuring out where to hang my clothing inside the apartment (too broke at the moment to buy a hanging pole thing for outside) I'll be reviewing my notes slightly religiously.
Speaking of being broke, I'm happy to announce that most of the hard money times should be over as of 3/12. I've bought all the major appliances and furniture. I plan to be thrifty the next couple of months due to a slight pay reduction for job training and days missed at the previous company during the transition. But I won't be BROKE. As in:
It's 7:15pm. I'm exhausted from work. There's a cake shop outside the SEIYU near the station and I'd love to treat myself to a 180 yen cupcake. but, I CAN'T afford it because i need the 180yen to get to work. I come home to yet another meal of curry or udon because its the cheapest thing I can make with any nutritional value at all....even tho I'm dying for a 498 yen bento box with rice and fish and tempura. UGH!
I thought I'd left these times in my early 20's. But, I suppose with job turmoil comes hardship again. I know I'm not the only one, and I know I'm lucky that it's only been a couple of months of this and not 6 months or a year like some of my fellow citizens back home. Yes, I'm lucky. I found a job to renew my visa, that pays me more than before, that's more rewarding than before, with as many vacation days as before, and with no specific days to dread more than any other. Woo! I have a new apartment that's very small but fine and comfy for me with a nice thick green carpet, new and working appliances, (mostly) quiet neighbors, in a convenient location. So, these next few days of BROKE. Well, i REALLY can't complain because everything is coming together on the survival front. So I can start to worry about lighter things again like...swimming, boys, bands, beer, exploring Tokyo and LIFE! Project: LIFE!
In Chinese medicine, wind is related to the Wood element. Wood is wind. Wood is Spring, new growth, and green. Wood is change. So, as the wind whips my sheets around the drying rod outside, I can't help but feel symbolic today. By the end of the month, most everything in my life will have changed except for the living in Tokyo part. My things are 80 percent packed up and the plan is to move some on Thursday, when I have to go to the new apartment anyway to meet the gas company, and rest of Sunday, thanks to Joyo and his car.
As for the rest of it, I hope the job situation is ironed out soon. Random parts of my face have stopped twitching, so I must be less stressed out...but I'll be an extremely happy camper when I'm settled again and working on NL.com like I want to. I've always been one for change, especially in the springtime, but only when those changes are enacted by me. I need control over the wind.
After all has been said and done, I have about 6,000 yen left in my bank account until February 13. Arg. I have 3000 yen in my wallet. I'm going to go grocery shopping this morning:
That's the diet plan and should all come in under 1500 for the next 2 weeks. Fruit and veggies are too expensive. I have some vitamin pills for the vit C. The rest of the yen will be spent on transportation and hopefully I will have enough to actually GET to work. I have about 3000 yen on my Suica card, so it MIGHT just be enough. I want to go swimming today, but thats 900 yen right there...so, ARG again. ARG! I'm prolly gonna have to borrow 5,000 yen from my roommates or something to make it through. On the 13th, im golden with another paycheck and with all the large purchases for my apartment completed...and a 60,000 deposit coming back to me before the end of Feb...well, yeah, ill be fine. It's just these next 13 days... Sweet memories of the early months in NYC. haha.